So.  We Americans are a violent people, there’s really no arguing that.  This country was colonized, founded, expanded, and is, to this day, maintained with violence.  And we love our guns, most of us.

I don’t.

I don’t believe I’ve ever written about my feelings on gun control before.  On my more reasonable days, I think gun control is a good idea.  On days like today – the day after twenty children were murdered in Newtown, CT – I’m more of an advocate for gun abolition.  I realize that’s going to come off as a bit polarizing, and you’ll just have to deal with that.  I believe guns are bad.  I don’t require that anyone else agree with me.  I have some excellent friends – good, honest, intelligent people – who think gun control is tantamount to treason.  Fair enough.

A lot of people are of the opinion that it’s offensive to talk about gun control the day after something like this happens.  And I’ll go so far as to say that I’d agree that injecting politics into the conversation that’s going to take place in the wake of twenty children dying is impossibly tasteless and offensive.  But, from where I’m sitting, this isn’t a political debate.  From where I’m sitting, this is really just a matter of simple math:  There are too many guns in this country, and, agree or disagree, this is exactly the right time to talk about that.

I decided to start out by saying I’m pro gun control because I didn’t want to hide behind false platitudes like, “I’m just thinking about the children,” or, “Hey, I’m not making a statement one way or the other, I’m just sayin’.”  That would be a lie.  I really don’t like guns.  Just so we’re all clear that there’s totally a bias here and I’m totally advocating for it.

What I won’t do, however, is engage in any of the standard arguments you always hear about gun control.  Yes, people kill people.  Sometimes they do it with guns.  Whatever.  Don’t care.

What I will do, is present you with some numbers for your consideration.  These numbers were provided by gunpolicy.org.  Please check them out and decide for yourself whether or not they’re a credible source.  I’ve decided they are, but you may disagree.  The numbers I’m going to show you are some gun-related statistics for Scotland and for the United States.

We’re more violent and we own more guns than pretty much any other country on earth.  I chose Scotland because of the Dunblane school massacre, where sixteen children were killed by one man, armed with four handguns, back in 1996.  The national outcry that followed resulted in the Firearms Amendment Act of 1997, which effectively banned the possession of all handguns in the UK.  As an American, the question that immediately came to mind after hearing this was, “Did that law actually do anything to reduce the number of gun-related deaths in Scotland?”  The short answer is, “Yes.”

Other than all of the above, the only thing I have to say about the slaughter of those children in Newtown yesterday is this:  Every time something like this happens, we react in a variety of ways, none of which seem to take steps toward preventing it from happening again.  The sadness and the frustration that I feel as a result of this is just overwhelming, and I really wish it would stop.  Here are the numbers:

SCOTLAND
Gun Ownership Per 100 People
The rate of private gun ownership in Scotland is 5.52 firearms per 100 people

Homicide Per 100,000 People (Any Method)
In Scotland, the annual rate of homicide by any means per 100,000 population is:

2009: 1.9

Gun Homicide Per 100,000 People
In Scotland, the annual rate of firearm homicide per 100,000 population is:

2009: 0.04
1994: 0.19

Gun Suicide Per 100,000 People
In Scotland, the annual rate of firearm suicide per 100,000 population is:

2001: 0.14
1994: 0.33

Unintentional Gun Deaths
In Scotland, the annual rate of unintentional shooting death per 100,000 population is:

2001: 0.00
1994: 0.02

Gun Deaths From Undetermined Cause
In Scotland, the annual rate of unknown-cause shooting deaths per 100,000 population is:

2001: 0.02
1994: 0.04

UNITED STATES
Gun Ownership Per 100 People
The rate of private gun ownership in the United States is 88.8 firearms per 100 people

Homicide Per 100,000 People (Any Method)
In the United States, the annual rate of homicide by any means per 100,000 population is:

2009: 4.96

Gun Homicide Per 100,000 People
In the United States, the annual rate of firearm homicide per 100,000 population is:

2009: 2.98
2008: 3.12
2007: 3.36
2006: 3.42
2005: 3.43
2004: 3.20
2003: 3.30
2002: 3.25
2001: 3.12
1999: 2.97
1998: 3.37
1993: 7.07

Gun Suicide Per 100,000 People
In the United States, the annual rate of firearm suicide per 100,000 population is:

2005: 5.75
2001: 5.74
1993: 7.35

Unintentional Gun Death Per 100,000 People
In the United States, the annual rate of unintentional shooting death per 100,000 population is:

2005: 0.27
2001: 0.27
1993: 0.59

Rate of Gun Death From Undetermined Cause
In the United States, the annual rate of unknown-cause shooting deaths per 100,000 population is:

2003: 0.11
2001: 0.02
1993: 0.22

I fucking hate viral list articles.  They’re the easiest way for unimaginative fucktards to create content for their sites that generate zero original content (unless you count the polarizing, political blather in the comment threads…I don’t).  The image to the right is a good example of what I’m talking about.  Anyway, I hate them, they’re horrible.  The one example to this rule would be John Cheese from Cracked, who’s actually quite funny.

But this isn’t a rant about how these things suck.  I don’t have the energy to get angry over shit this petty anymore, and it’s already been done by Maddox, who did a better job of it than I ever could.

What I am going to talk about is how fucking angry I am with sparknotes.com.  For my fellow oldsters, Spark Notes is the online version of Cliff’s Notes.  It’s a free site, so they must make their money from whatever advertising they can get and, as a result, apparently need to generate some sort of content on a regular basis.  So they have a dog shit blog thing that’s mostly made up of?  That’s right.

Anyway, I was writing a paper the other night and was on their site, reading a character analysis for Christophine, from the novel WIDE SARGASSO SEA, and off to the right of the page was, “The 10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs,” which I clicked on like a fucking asshole.  This is when I was introduced to the song LAST CHRISTMAS by Wham.  Holy fuckballs, I hate myself so much for that.

I’m 43.  I was there in the 80′s when MTV started.  I watched it for hours.  I may have spent as much time watching MTV as I did breathing.  So how is it I only just now heard this song for the first time?  And, believe me, I’m not asking that because I feel as though I’ve missed out.  I’m just baffled how I could have been subjected to all the various horrors of 80′s pop culture and not have heard this before.  Unless it was so bad, I blocked the memory.  Like the time my dad

Anyway, fuck this song.  And fuck sparknotes.com for listing it in their shitty article, and fuck me for being stupid enough to click the link.  Watching this video is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.  Check it out for yourself:

Wham – Last Christmas by hushhush112

Okay, something else I feel like I should mention:  I’m not sure what this says about my sexuality, but George Michael’s hair is gorgeous in that video.  I definitely don’t want to sleep with him, because men + penises + assholes = bucket of vomit.  But I’d fuck the shit out of that hair.

Brown hands clutching
gray, wrought-iron bars.
Escape almost within reach.
There’s only one rule:

Stay in the yard
Or get clobbered.
Gabito left the yard once.
He couldn’t walk right
When they were done.

So I stare through these bars
At my ball, sitting in the gutter
Such a perfect, bright red
With its big, white star.

I have to get this thought out of my head before I go to bed tonight.  I just sat through ten mostly painful minutes or so of Ricky Gervais having an intimate conversation in front of a television camera and goddammit, I really wish I hadn’t.

Disclaimer:
I’m a huge fan of Ricky Gervais.  Have been for over a decade.  I love his TV shows, his podcasts, and some of his standup.  The less said about his movies, the better.  But the point is, I’m a fan.  A huge fan.  Just so we’re clear.

So I sat through this horrible conversation where Gervais and Dawkins congratulate themselves on their mutual distaste for religion.  Feel free to follow that link.  Or not.  Here’s the point:  Fuck smug.  I fucking hate smug.  I hate smug atheists, smug Christians, smug Jews, smug Buddhists, smug I probably don’t need to elaborate on this point.

Smug is a huge character flaw.  Like being a rapist.

Oh my God, can you imagine how fucking annoying a smug rapist would be?

Anyway, if you have smug anywhere within you, I don’t care how much I love you, it’s a side to you that I really fucking hate.  The way I hate rapists.  And you should seriously work on it.*  It won’t be enough to make me stop loving you.  I still love Ricky Gervais.  But I love him more when he’s not being a smug prick.  Or making movies.

Anyway, that’s something that’s been coming to a boil in my head for a few years now and this seemed like a good opportunity to get it out of there.

Off to bed…

*In the interests of staving off the people who want to know if I’m talking about them, no, I’m not.  I don’t hang out with smug cocks.  Congratulations.

Oh, you were joking?
Okay, alright, I get it now.
For just a moment I thought
you were speaking your mind
and then backpedaling
like a fucking invertebrate.
But you say you were joking
so that’s cool.  Only…

You might want to take the time
to actually learn how to joke around.
There are mechanics to it, you know.
There are the subtle clues of body language
the nuance of facial expression
the backhand of irony
and the subversion of metaphor.
You know, the art of joking.
The things that make joking
joking, instead of an impotent
dry heave of blather.

You might want to learn these things
or people will think
you’re a dick.
And I’m positive
you don’t want people thinking
you’re a dick.