There is a cat outside my window. It is screaming. Not caterwauling or loudly meowing, but screaming. Like a man. I've been out there to shoo it away twice now, and I can't find it. It could be in a tree, or on the other side of my neighbors wall, or on my roof. It feels like the noise is coming from inside my skull. I've never heard an animal make this sound. I rarely hear people make this sound. I don't know what brought this on for the little prick. Maybe it was injured in a fight with a possum (that actually happens on this block). Maybe it's heart has been broken. I don't particularly care. And the best part is that there was another cat on the street who didn't particularly care either, and now there is a vicious fight going on outside my window and I'm laughing so hard I might piss myself. For the first (and hopefully last) time in my life I can honestly say I wish I were a cat.
posted by timothy on Friday, March 21, 2003
This is a speech delivered on the floor of the House last October by California Democrat Rep. Pete Stark:
"Mr. Speaker, I rise in opposition to this resolution (authorizing military force against Iraq). I am deeply troubled that lives may be lost without a meaningful attempt to bring Iraq into compliance with U.N. resolutions through careful and cautious diplomacy.
"The bottom line is I don't trust this president and his advisors.
"Make no mistake, we are voting on a resolution that grants total authority to the president, who wants to invade a sovereign nation without any specific act of provocation. This would authorize the United States to act as the aggressor for the first time in our history. It sets a precedent for our nation -- or any nation -- to exercise brute force anywhere in the world without regard to international law or international consensus.
"Congress must not walk in lockstep behind a president who has been so callous to proceed without reservation, as if war was of no real consequence.
"You know, three years ago in December, Molly Ivins, an observer of Texas politics, wrote: 'For an upper-class white boy, Bush comes on way too hard. At a guess, to make up for being an upper-class white boy.'
"'Somebody,' she said, 'should be worrying about how all this could affect his handling of future encounters with some Saddam Hussein.' How prophetic, Ms. Ivins.
"Let us not forget that our president -- our commander in chief -- has no experience with, or knowledge of, war. In fact, he admits that he was at best ambivalent about the Vietnam War. He skirted his own military service and then failed to serve out his time in the National Guard. And, he reported years later that at the height of that conflict in 1968 he didn't notice 'any heavy stuff going on.'"
"So we have a president who thinks foreign territory is the opponent's dugout and Kashmir is a sweater.
"What is most unconscionable is that there is not a shred of evidence to justify the certain loss of life. Do the generalized threats and half-truths of this administration give any one of us in Congress the confidence to tell a mother or father or family that the loss of their child or loved one was in the name of a just cause?
"Is the president's need for revenge for the threat once posed to his father enough to justify the death of any American?
"I submit the answer to these questions is no.
"Aside from the wisdom of going to war as Bush wants, I am troubled by who pays for his capricious adventure into world domination. The administration admits to a cost of around $200 billion!
"Now, wealthy individuals won't pay. They've got big tax cuts already. Corporations won't pay. They'll cook the books and move overseas and then send their contributions to the Republicans. Rich kids won't pay. Their daddies will get them deferments as Big George did for George W.
"Well then, who will pay?
"School kids will pay. There'll be no money to keep them from being left behind -- way behind. Seniors will pay. They'll pay big time as the Republicans privatize Social Security and rob the Trust Fund to pay for the capricious war. Medicare will be curtailed and drugs will be more unaffordable. And there won't be any money for a drug benefit because Bush will spend it all on the war.
"Working folks will pay through loss of job security and bargaining rights. Our grandchildren will pay through the degradation of our air and water quality. And the entire nation will pay as Bush continues to destroy civil rights, women's rights and religious freedom in a rush to phony patriotism and to courting the messianic Pharisees of the religious right.
"The questions before the members of this House and to all Americans are immense, but there are clear answers. America is not currently confronted by a genuine, proven, imminent threat from Iraq. The call for war is wrong.
"And what greatly saddens me at this point in our history is my fear that this entire spectacle has not been planned for the well-being of the world, but for the short-term political interest of our president.
"Now, I am also greatly disturbed that many Democratic leaders have also put political calculation ahead of the president's accountability to truth and reason by supporting this resolution. But, I conclude that the only answer is to vote no on the resolution before us."
Being a politician, Mr. Stark is very probably as big a whore as Governor Bush. That said, it's nice to see impassioned rants from whores every now and then. On top of which, he brings up a growing fear I've had for the better part of a year now. That being, the impairment of civil rights and religious freedom. Now more than any other time in my life, scary folks like Gov. Bush have a "good" reason to force their will on the american people. They've got 9/11. I'm worried what will be done in the name of homeland security. I'm afraid of things like The Patriot Act. I'm more than a little scared of what freedoms we'll lose in the interest of national security. I'm concerned what will happen to individual privacy and freedom of speech. And mostly, I'm afraid that I won't be able to call the president a whore anymore.
posted by timothy on Friday, March 21, 2003
Go to michaelmoore.com and read his letter to "Governor" Bush. I've been a fan ever since I saw Roger and Me about ten years ago. I don't agree with 100% of his politics, but Mr. Moore is one of the very few people in the media I actually respect as well one of my personal heroes. If you haven't seen any of his movies go rent them right away.
posted by timothy on Wednesday, March 19, 2003
This was just sent to me from The Howard. Can I just say how much the cowboy people make me laugh? Last week it was all that shit over the Dixie Chicks, and now this. Good fun. Oh and speaking of the Dixie Chicks, I understand one of our local cowboy stations isn't playing any of their music now. And it's about time, dammit! Commie whores...
posted by timothy on Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I hate to keep coming back to the same subject, but when I see this kind of childish stupidity on a congressional level, I have to point it out. This is from ohio.com. Apparently, a congresswoman in Florida wants the government to pay to bring home from France the remains of Americans who fought and died in the world wars. I think this is a great idea. Also, I'd like to see congress introduce a bill that would (finally!) officially declare France as "Gay." Welcome to the United States Of The Second Fucking Grade. We don't take shit from no one.
posted by timothy on Sunday, March 16, 2003
Callipygian: having shapely buttocks. Who knew there was a word for that? I LOVE that. Let's hear it for my friend Tom.
posted by timothy on Saturday, March 15, 2003
Danish scout camp admits organizing Nazi game. This is beautiful. These are the stories that make me wish I'd studied enough math and science to end the human race.
posted by timothy on Tuesday, March 11, 2003
snarkhunting.com Great site. Read the Tuesday, March 11 article "Idiot Boxing."
posted by timothy on Tuesday, March 11, 2003
 WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The cafeteria menus in the three House office buildings will change the name of "french fries" to "freedom fries," a culinary rebuke of France, stemming from anger over the country's refusal to support the U.S. position on Iraq. That'll show those french bastards.
I just got this email from Howard:
They also changed "french toast" to "freedom toast". That'll show those French bastards. And in the spirit of patriotism I want to give you a big, wet, sloppy "freedom kiss". That reminds me, I want to pick up some "freedom ticklers". And I'm going to punch any woman I see wearing french braids, although I'm not really sure what those are so just to be safe I'd better punch any woman with hair. Hey, this is war! It's not for the weak. Or intelligent. I support a congressional resolution to change the phrases, "c'est la vie", "deja vu" and "sacre bleu" to "fuck the French", "France sucks" and "screw the filthy french whores who won't support our pointless war". And as soon as I can think of someplace else that rhymes with 'underpants' I'm going to suggest that we change the very excellent poem:
I see London
I see ______
I see Lulu's underpants P.S. The best I can come up with so far is Gdansk. I think it's in Poland.
Howard's a god.
posted by timothy on Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Palanquin: a conveyance formerly used especially in eastern Asia usually for one person that consists of an enclosed litter borne on the shoulders of men by means of poles. <- How 'bout that shit?
posted by timothy on Tuesday, March 11, 2003
This country is losing its fucking mind. This is an excerpt of a news story that can be found at Yahoo! News:
Stephen Downs, 61, was detained on Monday after security guards at the Crossgates Mall near Albany, N.Y., ordered him to take off his shirt that read "Give Peace A Chance" and "Peace on Earth" or leave the mall...When he refused, security guards called local police, who handcuffed Downs, arrested him and held him for two hours...the mall was private property and there was a mall policy of asking people who displayed anti-war messages on their clothes to leave...
Fuck that. Fuck that mall, fuck those security guards, fuck the owner(s) of the mall, and fuck anyone who thinks a tee shirt is a 'dangerous' form of anti-american expression. I am sick to the point of nausea with the notion that an anti-war sentiment is an anti-american sentiment. I've been under the impression that the 'freedom' we're fighting for includes the freedom to express an opinion. For the record, I believe that Saddam Hussein should be slowly murdered with toenail clippers, but that doesn't mean I agree with the Bush administrations gung-ho stance of "let's bomb Iraq to fuck." God, I'd love to round up every last reactionary, paranoid, jerk off chomping at the bit to go to war and fucking well send them there.
On the other hand, if the mall had a policy of not allowing patrons to wear clothes displaying tired, baby boomer cliches, I'd be totally fine with that. Stupid hippies.
posted by timothy on Friday, March 07, 2003
This is a letter from Terry Jones to George W. Asshead that can be found at The Observer:
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.
Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
Terry Jones, of course, is a member of Monty Python as well as a long time resident in the Valhalla Of Cool. George W. Bush, of course, is neither of those things.
posted by timothy on Thursday, March 06, 2003
This is from Yahoo! News. Read the article for yourself, but these are the highlights:
"Parents are often criticized for improperly installing car seats, but a new study suggests that the instruction manuals that come with such seats are often too complex to understand...79% to 94% of youngsters are improperly restrained in cars...analysis of installation instructions showed that on average, parents needed to read at a 10th grade level in order to completely understand the instructions for installing their child's safety seat...more than 90 million people above the age of 16--read at or below an eighth grade level, including more than 40 million people who read at or below a fifth-grade level...training sessions for parents and "car seat checks" at community auto dealers..."
Notice that at no point does this article discuss the need to improve the average reading level of the american people. Nor does it point out that most instruction manuals have illustrations to accompany all that difficult text. This annoys me. Why does it never occur to anyone that stupidity is a bad thing? Why does it never occur to anyone that "dumbing down" instruction manuals or any other document only encourages further stupidity? If you're too stupid to correctly install a fucking car seat, please give your kids up for adoption and step off the planet. Fucking now.
posted by timothy on Wednesday, March 05, 2003
John Brady Kiesling, a career diplomat for the United States, resigned his post just recently. This is a copy of his letter of resignation to Secretary of State Colin L. Powell as it ran in the New York Times:
Dear Mr. Secretary:
I am writing you to submit my resignation from the Foreign Service of the United States and from my position as Political Counselor in U.S. Embassy Athens, effective March 7. I do so with a heavy heart. The baggage of my upbringing included a felt obligation to give something back to my country. Service as a U.S. diplomat was a dream job. I was paid to understand foreign languages and cultures, to seek out diplomats, politicians, scholars and journalists, and to persuade them that U.S. interests and theirs fundamentally coincided. My faith in my country and its values was the most powerful weapon in my diplomatic arsenal.
It is inevitable that during twenty years with the State Department I would become more sophisticated and cynical about the narrow and selfish bureaucratic motives that sometimes shaped our policies. Human nature is what it is, and I was rewarded and promoted for understanding human nature. But until this Administration it had been possible to believe that by upholding the policies of my president I was also upholding the interests of the American people and the world. I believe it no longer.
The policies we are now asked to advance are incompatible not only with American values but also with American interests. Our fervent pursuit of war with Iraq is driving us to squander the international legitimacy that has been America’s most potent weapon of both offense and defense since the days of Woodrow Wilson. We have begun to dismantle the largest and most effective web of international relationships the world has ever known. Our current course will bring instability and danger, not security.
The sacrifice of global interests to domestic politics and to bureaucratic self-interest is nothing new, and it is certainly not a uniquely American problem. Still, we have not seen such systematic distortion of intelligence, such systematic manipulation of American opinion, since the war in Vietnam. The September 11 tragedy left us stronger than before, rallying around us a vast international coalition to cooperate for the first time in a systematic way against the threat of terrorism. But rather than take credit for those successes and build on them, this Administration has chosen to make terrorism a domestic political tool, enlisting a scattered and largely defeated Al Qaeda as its bureaucratic ally. We spread disproportionate terror and confusion in the public mind, arbitrarily linking the unrelated problems of terrorism and Iraq. The result, and perhaps the motive, is to justify a vast misallocation of shrinking public wealth to the military and to weaken the safeguards that protect American citizens from the heavy hand of government. September 11 did not do as much damage to the fabric of American society as we seem determined to so to ourselves. Is the Russia of the late Romanovs really our model, a selfish, superstitious empire thrashing toward self-destruction in the name of a doomed status quo?
We should ask ourselves why we have failed to persuade more of the world that a war with Iraq is necessary. We have over the past two years done too much to assert to our world partners that narrow and mercenary U.S. interests override the cherished values of our partners. Even where our aims were not in question, our consistency is at issue. The model of Afghanistan is little comfort to allies wondering on what basis we plan to rebuild the Middle East, and in whose image and interests. Have we indeed become blind, as Russia is blind in Chechnya, as Israel is blind in the Occupied Territories, to our own advice, that overwhelming military power is not the answer to terrorism? After the shambles of post-war Iraq joins the shambles in Grozny and Ramallah, it will be a brave foreigner who forms ranks with Micronesia to follow where we lead.
We have a coalition still, a good one. The loyalty of many of our friends is impressive, a tribute to American moral capital built up over a century. But our closest allies are persuaded less that war is justified than that it would be perilous to allow the U.S. to drift into complete solipsism. Loyalty should be reciprocal. Why does our President condone the swaggering and contemptuous approach to our friends and allies this Administration is fostering, including among its most senior officials. Has “oderint dum metuant” really become our motto?
I urge you to listen to America’s friends around the world. Even here in Greece, purported hotbed of European anti-Americanism, we have more and closer friends than the American newspaper reader can possibly imagine. Even when they complain about American arrogance, Greeks know that the world is a difficult and dangerous place, and they want a strong international system, with the U.S. and EU in close partnership. When our friends are afraid of us rather than for us, it is time to worry. And now they are afraid. Who will tell them convincingly that the United States is as it was, a beacon of liberty, security, and justice for the planet?
Mr. Secretary, I have enormous respect for your character and ability. You have preserved more international credibility for us than our policy deserves, and salvaged something positive from the excesses of an ideological and self-serving Administration. But your loyalty to the President goes too far. We are straining beyond its limits an international system we built with such toil and treasure, a web of laws, treaties, organizations, and shared values that sets limits on our foes far more effectively than it ever constrained America’s ability to defend its interests.
I am resigning because I have tried and failed to reconcile my conscience with my ability to represent the current U.S. Administration. I have confidence that our democratic process is ultimately self-correcting, and hope that in a small way I can contribute from outside to shaping policies that better serve the security and prosperity of the American people and the world we share.
Mr. Kiesling is a fucking god and should be worshipped by every last one of us. We should pool our money and buy him drugs and whores and all the other trappings of the corrupt political lifestyle he's doubtless grown accustomed to. Oh and as long as I'm on the subject, I'd like to point out what a dick our president is.
posted by timothy on Monday, March 03, 2003
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