Title: King Arthur
Release Date: July, 2004
One-word review: Dogshit

I could talk for a while about how the very idea for this film was stupid or how intense it wasn't, but it's a Jerry Bruckheimer flick so that all goes without saying.  Instead I'll just make a list of comments and questions I have for the writer (David Franzoni) and director (Antoine Fuqua):

• Arthur isn't half roman.
• Last I read, Lancelot was a froggy.
• Guinevere is a whore, not a mighty warrior.
• Guinevere is spelled Guenevere.
• Merlin is a magician, not a hippie political upstart.
• Merlin didn't kill Arthur's mother.
• $90,000,000 and the film was that dull looking?  What the fuck?
• How much of that $90,000,000 did you guys blow on meth?
• Title was King Arthur.  Shouldn't then, Arthur have been a king and not some easily duped, idealistic little girl?
• Arthur tends not to cry.  I suppose it's possible that in all the various books, comics, movies and TV shows he may have have cried one or two times.  That just means those writers fucked up too.  King-Shit Arthur doesn't fucking cry.
• The plot outline listed at IMDb says, "A demystified take on the tale of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table."  Is that why you included Merlin in the story?  And Keira Knightley running around damn near topless fighting along side trained soldiers?  And a young Arthur pulling Excalibur out of a goddamn stone?
• The Big Inspiring Speech doesn't work as well when the hero (William Wallace, Aragorn, etc.) is only giving it to six people.  After they've already decided to risk certain death and join him in battle against an army of a thousand.  In fact, it just makes him look like a dumbass.
• King Arthur isn't a dumbass.
• Epic battle scenes aren't epic because there are a lot of people swinging swords and axes in the air.

This is King Arthur	This isn't

This list could go on, but it's only a shitty movie and I've already wasted too much time (in addition to the time wasted watching it), discussing it.  Seriously though, what a piece of crap.  The idea is a stupid one and the execution is just as inspired.  The writing was mediocre, movie-o-matic bullshit, the plot was so predictable my five year old niece could predict where it was going, and Clive Owen actually looked bored most of the time (except the scene where he fucking cried).

Want a good King Arthur movie?  It's called Excalibur, buy it here.