I hate Tim Burton.

I hate him because he makes the same movie over and over and over and over again.  The best of his efforts are Pee-wee's Big Adventure, Ed Wood, and Big Fish.  Not surprisingly, those three movies don't feature an emaciated, gothy, man-boy as the protagonist.  Not that there's anything wrong with the emaciated, gothy, man-boy, but it needed to stop after Edward Scissorhands (Ichabod Crane and Willy Wonka are just Edward with normal hands).

I began to dislike Tim Burton after seeing Batman Returns, which remains one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  Even by the standards of the Batman films it's a shit movie.  I pretty much hate all four of the previous Batman movies, but if given a choice of which I'd rather watch, Batman Returns is at the bottom of the list.  Yes, even below the George Clooney one.  Of course, all of them are worse than a quick kick to the nuts...

I'm getting off track.  I really enjoyed Pee-wee's Big Adventure, Beetle Juice, and Edward Scissorhands, and was content to ignore both Batman movies.  Then he outdoes himself with Ed Wood, which was one of the best movies of the year, and still the best movie Burton has directed.  His follow up to Ed Wood was Mars Attacks! and that was the point at which my dislike of Burton turned into hatred.  I was hoping for a cheesy, 50's era sci-fi flick (which would have complimented Ed Wood rather nicely, I thought) and instead what I got was a disaster movie parody (I'm being generous and assuming it was a parody) with a small handful of funny scenes.  After that I wrote him off as a goofy goof clown-tard who pays way too much attention to the look and style of his movies without bothering to think about whether or not what he's doing is lame.

I keep seeing his movies because they're fucking gorgeous.  But, with the exception of Big Fish, they're also as stupid as they are beautiful.  If Burton would spend even half the amount of time working with the script writer to develop a smart and compelling story that he does developing the look and atmosphere of a scene, he'd be one of the best film makers in America.

Instead, he's a tool.  At the end of Sleepy Hollow (originally titled Edward Scissorhands And The Case Of The Missing Heads), the windmill catches fire and then explodes.  Windmills, apparently, were where all the solid rocket fuel was stored back in the day.

I saw Planet Of The Apes as a curiosity and was surprised by neither the ending nor how goddamn bad the movie was since I'd read the GAY ASS book over twenty years earlier.  The entertainment press called the movie a "Reimagining" since it was neither a remake nor a sequel to the five movies from the 70's.  That's because the entertainment press is illiterate and making up new words is easier than doing a half hours worth of research.

Big Fish is a great movie, anyone who hasn't seen it yet, should.  The protagonist is just this average guy (with a healthy complexion even) trying to understand his dying father.  He's an adult; someone you might actually run into on the street.  Sounds almost mature doesn't it?  Could it be that, as Burton has aged, he's lost interest in telling stories from the point of view of a high school junior?

No.

Instead, he went right back to his old tricks with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (Edward Runs The Factory), and Corpse Bride (Edward Fucks Up Big Time).  I now want to read the book Big Fish was based on (Big Fish: A Novel Of Mythic Proportions) to confirm my suspicions that A) Burton fucked up a good book, and B) The source material was strong enough to not wither and die at Burton's retarded touch.

And, finally, I hate Tim Burton because he didn't show us Winona Ryder's or Christina Ricci's tits.