The nineties, of course was more than anyone could possibly bear.  After all, it was the decade that brought us Bill and Hill, Friends, infomercials, reality shows, and grunge.  It was an impossibly boring decade that celebrated staggering mediocrity, and turned alternative music from something interesting into a sub category of Rock/Pop at fucking Wal-Mart.  What's that?  The nineties weren't that bad you say?  Then you were a teenager, say I, and your opinion doesn't count.

About six months ago, I came across I Love The 90's on VH1.  I should mention that I find the I Love The... shows annoying but in a benign way.  And once in a while, it doesn't hurt to say to yourself, "Oh yeah, I remember Pop Rocks."  So anyway, there I was, not loving the nineties and wishing I could travel back in time to slaughter everyone involved with Ally McBeal when I decided I'd had enough.  And not just of watching the show.  Here we are, half way into the next decade and I still can't escape that dancing fucking baby.  I'm done.  I will have my revenge on that decade and it will be sweet.

SELL THOSE BURGERS, MOTHERFUCKER!

Oh, sweet jesus, it seems like only yesterday that I was being tortured on a daily basis by Hootie & The Goddamn Blowfish.  Hold My Hand, and Time, and Only Wanna Be With You were inescapable; I literally heard those songs every day and I wasn't even listening to the radio.  They were everywhere.  Every fucking bar I went to, some 22 year old white twat would throw some dudes money down the jukebox/toilet for that piece of shit band.  The only good thing that band brought to the table was lead singer Darius Rucker, who confirmed my long time suspicion that white people weren't the only boring motherfuckers in America.  Who could forget these brilliant lyrics:

You and me
We come from different worlds
You like to laugh at me
When I look at other girls

Sometimes you're crazy
And you wonder why
I'm such a baby
Cause the Dolphins make me cry

Oh and let's not forget that amazing re-entry into the pop culture scene with their new album from a couple years ago.  What, you don't remember it?  Yeah, me either, I was doing a little research on the web for this bit and this is the first I've heard of it.  Of course, it could have gone platinum and I'd have never known about it but, somehow, I'm guessing that wasn't the case.

So, what would be a fitting punishment?  Well, because I love you, I've arranged for lead singer Darius to dress up like a complete cowboy homo and sell the new Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich for Burger King.

 (Click image to view)

Yes, his once hip image has been forever dorked up and nationally broadcast on TV.  And the best part is, every time he drives by a Burger King restaurant, he'll wince as he remembers that he whored himself out for nothing more noble than helping them increase their market share by 0.0039%.  And it's a catchier tune than anything he sang for Hootie. HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You're welcome.