These are the random thoughts that enter my head to the point of distraction.  Some of them are actual points of view I have, others are goofy ass thoughts that just won't go away.  None of them are worth developing into something bigger.  My hope is that by putting them down here, I might free up some room in my head which, in turn, might allow me to remember peoples names five seconds after I've shaken their fucking hands.  Newest ones on top.

How not to start a detective novel:

The night was heavy and still; tailor made for Lambrusco and Brie.  The kind of night where you knew, no matter how hard you tried, you were gonna wind up pulling Ice Castles out of it's worn, cardboard box with the tear in one corner, and crying your eyes out.  The house was quiet, save for the electric rattle of the space heater sitting next to me, bathing me in it's orange glow.  I choked back another large gulp of the dark, heady wine - and my tears - and I tried not to think of...him.

Have you ever taken a shit so large that it actually scared you?  Not scared for your own physical health, but scared for the general welfare of all men and women?  I have.  I once took a shit so big and so angry that it refused to be flushed.  I flushed three times and it just sat there in the toilet, silently mocking me.

I issued an ultimatum:  "Go down the goddamn toilet, motherfucker, or I'll call Chuck Berry over for lunch!"

I flushed again, but nothing happened.  It had called my bluff.  Then it told me I should be ashamed of myself.  I totally wigged.  I slammed the lid down as hard and as fast as I could and spent the next two minutes doing the Icky Dance.  Once I'd regained my composure, I leaned back against the seat and lit a cigarette.  I inhaled the calming smoke into my lungs and realized that everything would be fine.

"Okay, bitch, tell you what:  You just sit there and soak up some water for a couple hours.  I'll be back to flush your ass again, and then we'll see just how big and bad a bowl full of waterlogged poo really is."

Approximately twelve hours later my wife found a nasty surprise waiting for her when she went to use the restroom.  As she yelled, I sat, quiet and unaffected, in the predawn morning.  It wasn't so much that I wasn't listening to what she was saying as it was that I'd been criticized by my own turd the day before.

All skaters are fags.  Some are lowlife criminals.  None of them are cool, nor should they be admired.  Movies shouldn't be made about them.  Skateboarding may not be a crime, but it should be.  Surfers are equally lame, but less obnoxious.  This is because they don't surf in front of stores.  Or, more accurately, no one wants to own and operate a liquor store in the fucking ocean.

Fuck everyone who genuinely believes in a link between video games and anti-social behavior in adolescents.  These are the same people who laughed at their parents for thinking the same thing of Rock 'n' Roll.  Retarded.  Fucking.  Hypocrites.

I hate anyone who thinks same sex marriages are a threat to the institution of marriage, a sin against god, and unnatural.  When asked.