Halloween
So my work-friend, Tevis, just asked me what I used to dress up as for Halloween. I told her the last time I "did" Halloween was 1981. She replied with, "I wasn't even born yet," which made me feel youthful and energetic as hell.
But anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about it and I really can't remember more than a few costumes. I remember dressing as Batman one year. And I think Casper. That was back when Halloween costumes were those shitty vinyl things you'd buy at drugstores with the masks that were secured to your head with rubber bands and smelled just the slightest bit toxic. The best part about those masks was when you'd take them off for a second and then put them back on and your face would get moistened with your own sweat.
I'm pretty sure I dressed up as a monster or a pirate in my older years and I'm almost positive that I dressed up as hobo one year, which is pretty fucked up and yet, I kinda miss the days when it was socially acceptable to dress your kids up as a homeless person for Halloween.
When I was in the sixth grade, I had to miss Halloween because I was in the hospital. I'd had my appendix yanked out and was suffering from post surgery complications such as a really bitchin' stomach flu. Dry heaves mixed with fresh abdominal scars rocked my fucking world in a way that hasn't been equaled since. Oh and then as if to rub it in my sick little face the hospital gives me this shitty fucking pumpkin with a happy clown face painted on it. As an adult, I'm willing to admit that this was exceedingly cool of the hospital. As a twelve year old, I was aghast at the notion of a Halloween pumpkin painted - not carved, but fucking painted - as a happy goddamn clown. Why not just wipe your ass with all my boyhood dreams while you're at it?
That Halloween sucked the shit out of The Devil's ass. The one thing that saved it from being a complete write-off was my mom and dad buying me The Millennium Falcon from Kenner Toys. Long after I've sold off all my other Star Wars shit from childhood, I still have that damn thing. Sure, it's covered in dust and hanging out in my parent's garage, but it's still one of my most cherished possessions, simply because it was the one Star Wars toy I wanted most and because my parents gave it to me during the most miserable three weeks of my childhood.
The next year would be my last Halloween where I dressed up and ran around the neighborhood begging for candy. I have no idea what I dressed up as. In fact, the only thing I remember is being at this one house that was owned by this really crabby old lady and she said, "You guys are a little big to be dressing up for Halloween aren't you?" She said this because I was 6'1" at the time. Everyone I was with was like, "We're twelve," but I actually felt that I was, in fact, starting to get to be a little too old to be dressing up for Halloween. I had more mature pursuits (comic books and video games) in mind. But anyway I answered her with, "Yeah well, I was in the hospital last year so I figured I'd do it one last time before calling it quits." She replied with a sensitive, "Well you don't have to be a smart ass about it!" and then gave everyone except me, a piece of candy. I looked at her and said, "No, really, I was in the hospital," and she just stared at me and grunted and begrudgingly put a piece of candy in my bag. "I swear to God, I was in the hospital," I said. She continued throwing eye-daggers my way and (I swear to God, I'm not making this up) said, "I'm too old and too tired to deal with your shit, don't come back here tonight."
We did come back that night. Much, much later that night. And we brought the Charmin with us.
But anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about it and I really can't remember more than a few costumes. I remember dressing as Batman one year. And I think Casper. That was back when Halloween costumes were those shitty vinyl things you'd buy at drugstores with the masks that were secured to your head with rubber bands and smelled just the slightest bit toxic. The best part about those masks was when you'd take them off for a second and then put them back on and your face would get moistened with your own sweat.
I'm pretty sure I dressed up as a monster or a pirate in my older years and I'm almost positive that I dressed up as hobo one year, which is pretty fucked up and yet, I kinda miss the days when it was socially acceptable to dress your kids up as a homeless person for Halloween.
When I was in the sixth grade, I had to miss Halloween because I was in the hospital. I'd had my appendix yanked out and was suffering from post surgery complications such as a really bitchin' stomach flu. Dry heaves mixed with fresh abdominal scars rocked my fucking world in a way that hasn't been equaled since. Oh and then as if to rub it in my sick little face the hospital gives me this shitty fucking pumpkin with a happy clown face painted on it. As an adult, I'm willing to admit that this was exceedingly cool of the hospital. As a twelve year old, I was aghast at the notion of a Halloween pumpkin painted - not carved, but fucking painted - as a happy goddamn clown. Why not just wipe your ass with all my boyhood dreams while you're at it?
That Halloween sucked the shit out of The Devil's ass. The one thing that saved it from being a complete write-off was my mom and dad buying me The Millennium Falcon from Kenner Toys. Long after I've sold off all my other Star Wars shit from childhood, I still have that damn thing. Sure, it's covered in dust and hanging out in my parent's garage, but it's still one of my most cherished possessions, simply because it was the one Star Wars toy I wanted most and because my parents gave it to me during the most miserable three weeks of my childhood.The next year would be my last Halloween where I dressed up and ran around the neighborhood begging for candy. I have no idea what I dressed up as. In fact, the only thing I remember is being at this one house that was owned by this really crabby old lady and she said, "You guys are a little big to be dressing up for Halloween aren't you?" She said this because I was 6'1" at the time. Everyone I was with was like, "We're twelve," but I actually felt that I was, in fact, starting to get to be a little too old to be dressing up for Halloween. I had more mature pursuits (comic books and video games) in mind. But anyway I answered her with, "Yeah well, I was in the hospital last year so I figured I'd do it one last time before calling it quits." She replied with a sensitive, "Well you don't have to be a smart ass about it!" and then gave everyone except me, a piece of candy. I looked at her and said, "No, really, I was in the hospital," and she just stared at me and grunted and begrudgingly put a piece of candy in my bag. "I swear to God, I was in the hospital," I said. She continued throwing eye-daggers my way and (I swear to God, I'm not making this up) said, "I'm too old and too tired to deal with your shit, don't come back here tonight."
We did come back that night. Much, much later that night. And we brought the Charmin with us.
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