Mars and Venus Go Fuck Themselves
So I responded to this post in craigslist about a month ago that was asking for writing samples. I submitted a couple random samples to the email address specified and the guy got back in touch with me, telling me that he really liked my stuff. So that was cool. He asked if I'd be interested in writing a weekly column for their site, which was mostly a product review site dedictated to "dudes." I checked it out and it looked like the sort of thing you'd expect to read in STUFF or MAXIM, which honestly doesn't appeal to me at all. But I thought it might be cool to try writing something I'd ordinarily never write for someone I don't know with a weekly deadline.
I said yes and he sent me this work agreement which was, frankly, bullshit. I wouldn't be getting paid and I didn't own the work. Didn't really see how that worked but, "Fuck it," I thought, I wouldn't have been writing about any of this shit in the first place, so why not? And I certainly wouldn't have given them something I thought was truly great. I'm not a retard.
So the guy gets back in touch with me and asks me to write something for their "sex" section. Sort of a Mars and Venus thing only with my own brand of humor. Which, again, really didn't appeal to me. But if I'm gonna actually try to do this writing thing for real, I'm going to have to learn to write for other people, even when I think the assignment is lame. So I said fuck it, and wrote the piece below.
I sent it to him and a few days later was told that the higher ups at the web site decided that they'd be revamping the site and making it just a product review site for guys. But he was very cool about it and told me he was thrilled to have found me.
So anyway, either he really liked what I wrote and they just can't use it right now, or he was really offended by it and was just trying to be cool. He asked for a Mars & Venus sort of thing and the first thing I wrote was about Mars & Venus being full of shit. That could have annoyed him, I suppose. Honestly though, I have no reason to believe he was lying, he seemed like a really good guy. The worst thing I can say about the whole experience is that I really wasn't too inspired by the subject matter. Not that that would stop me writing about it at some point in the future. All things considered, I have to label the whole thing a pretty positive experience.
So, given the fact that they didn't use the article, I guess I still own it. There are a couple parts that I really like. Here it is then:
I said yes and he sent me this work agreement which was, frankly, bullshit. I wouldn't be getting paid and I didn't own the work. Didn't really see how that worked but, "Fuck it," I thought, I wouldn't have been writing about any of this shit in the first place, so why not? And I certainly wouldn't have given them something I thought was truly great. I'm not a retard.
So the guy gets back in touch with me and asks me to write something for their "sex" section. Sort of a Mars and Venus thing only with my own brand of humor. Which, again, really didn't appeal to me. But if I'm gonna actually try to do this writing thing for real, I'm going to have to learn to write for other people, even when I think the assignment is lame. So I said fuck it, and wrote the piece below.
I sent it to him and a few days later was told that the higher ups at the web site decided that they'd be revamping the site and making it just a product review site for guys. But he was very cool about it and told me he was thrilled to have found me.
So anyway, either he really liked what I wrote and they just can't use it right now, or he was really offended by it and was just trying to be cool. He asked for a Mars & Venus sort of thing and the first thing I wrote was about Mars & Venus being full of shit. That could have annoyed him, I suppose. Honestly though, I have no reason to believe he was lying, he seemed like a really good guy. The worst thing I can say about the whole experience is that I really wasn't too inspired by the subject matter. Not that that would stop me writing about it at some point in the future. All things considered, I have to label the whole thing a pretty positive experience.
So, given the fact that they didn't use the article, I guess I still own it. There are a couple parts that I really like. Here it is then:
I was reading an old issue of POPULAR SCIENCE the other day and discovered that neither Mars nor Venus will support human life, confirming an old theory of mine that men and women are actually from Earth. Looks like all those books are full of shit.
Yes, there are differences between the sexes, but those differences aren't as profound or as important as most people seem to think they are. You want different? Go hump a cow (bring a stool, those things are pretty goddamn tall) and see if it's up for a relationship afterward. Please don't let me know how it goes.
Ultimately, men and women both belong to the same specie: Retards.
I'd never have to work another day of my life if I had a dollar for every time a guy has asked the age-old question, "What do women want?" What do they want? The same thing everyone else wants: A hot meal, someone to lie down with at night, and a safe place to piss in the morning, but you know what? Who gives a rat's ass? Why not just find a girl you want to bang and find out what *she* wants? True, she might not want anything to do with you but at least you won't have wasted your time pondering an entire gender prior to being rejected.
And, hey, better yet: Why not ask what it is *you* want? What is it you're after? A long-lasting relationship? A boink buddy? Someone to rob banks with? Head? If you're over the age of 20 and you haven't asked yourself any of these questions yet, do yourself (and every girl you know) a huge favor and stick with masturbation until you've figured shit out.
On the other hand, what the hell do I know? My name is Tim and I'm a retard. Just like you.
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