My Goddamn Job
I feel the need to bitch about my job today. Not about the people I work with, which is my usual gripe, but about the job itself.
I am sick to fucking death of police reports. I'm sick of criminals. I'm sick of victims. I'm sick of cops. I'm sick of idiots who can't get their shit together.
If the criminals would spend half the time and effort they put into breaking the law into getting their GED, the world would...still suck probably but at least there wouldn't be as many illiterate fuckheads.
As for everyone else...I dunno, how bout just growing the fuck up and learning how to make a decision? "He only hits me when he drinks," isn't a sentence that should ever be heard.
If I have to take one more domestic violence report where the couple have been A) dating for ten years, and B) had several incidents in the past where the police have been called by the neighbors, and C) have been broken up for the last three months, and D) the woman is six months pregnant with the man's baby...I think I'm gonna throw a chair through the window.
Get it through your fucking heads: YOU AREN'T HAPPY TOGETHER. YOU AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. What the fuck are you waiting for? Do you need God Himself to tell you to break up? What fucked up religion is that? Is it Baha'i? Scientology, perhaps? What?
And you're brining a child into this relationship? Is it not hard enough to bring a child into the world? In addition to all the normal shit a child has to deal with he's gonna have to explain how often daddy hit mommy to a police officer someday? Jesus Christ, are you that selfish and cruel?
And Officers...I know you have to develop a seriously thick skin and a dark sense of humor in order to last at your job, I really understand that. Rape reports aren't funny. Stop laughing.
Oh and for fuck's sake, try a little enunciation while you're at it. It's not like you're all stupid. Oh, sure, one or two of you might have been that guy who everyone called "Meat" or "Mad Dog" back in high school but most of you are pretty goddamn smart. You have to be. I have zero fucking clue what it's like to be a cop but I've written a shit ton of training and evaluation reports and I know that just the act of being on patrol requires more attention span, concentration, discipline, patience, and dedication than most people possess.
I know that you have to constantly be listening to radio traffic, even while rich white assholes yell at you to quit harassing them and to go prevent "real crime," as you issue them a citation for driving 70 miles per hour in front of a school.
I know that you have to be knowledgeable of every different make and model of all the various vehicles people drive.
I know you have to portion of a section of your brain and turn it into a Thomas Guide for the city you're patrolling.
I know that officer safety must always be your primary consideration in virtually everything you do, turning something that should be easy, such as parking your car, into something that requires real thought as well as competent decision making ability.
I know that in order to do your job you have to have a greater working knowledge of the law than is required by any other profession in the country, save that of lawyer.
And you know what? If you can't talk, all of that counts for exactly dick.
No one expects you to have incredible spelling or grammar skills. You don't even have to have a particularly amazing vocabulary. You just have to fucking talk.
And I know you can, cops get laid all the time and women aren't usually turned on by stories of the time you and your buddies beat the shit out of a rapist/murderer with your Maglites. So what the fuck?!
Why is it as soon as you're dictating the events of a traffic stop/meth bust into a digital recorder your verbal skills regress to the second fucking grade?
"I advised the driver of the vehicle where he was coming from."
You advised him? Advised?! No, you fucking didn't! You fucking asked him where he was coming from! Unless you're some sort of weirdo who levels The Finger Of Blame at people and says shit like, "You're on your way back home from the E-Z Mart at the intersection of Olive and Primrose!" which would be kind of awesome actually, but let's face it, you never do that.
If you have twenty or thirty years as a native English speaker under your belt and you still sound like a child or an ESL student, I have no use for you and want you out of my life immediately.
All right, bitch-fest over.
I am sick to fucking death of police reports. I'm sick of criminals. I'm sick of victims. I'm sick of cops. I'm sick of idiots who can't get their shit together.
If the criminals would spend half the time and effort they put into breaking the law into getting their GED, the world would...still suck probably but at least there wouldn't be as many illiterate fuckheads.
As for everyone else...I dunno, how bout just growing the fuck up and learning how to make a decision? "He only hits me when he drinks," isn't a sentence that should ever be heard.
If I have to take one more domestic violence report where the couple have been A) dating for ten years, and B) had several incidents in the past where the police have been called by the neighbors, and C) have been broken up for the last three months, and D) the woman is six months pregnant with the man's baby...I think I'm gonna throw a chair through the window.
Get it through your fucking heads: YOU AREN'T HAPPY TOGETHER. YOU AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. What the fuck are you waiting for? Do you need God Himself to tell you to break up? What fucked up religion is that? Is it Baha'i? Scientology, perhaps? What?
And you're brining a child into this relationship? Is it not hard enough to bring a child into the world? In addition to all the normal shit a child has to deal with he's gonna have to explain how often daddy hit mommy to a police officer someday? Jesus Christ, are you that selfish and cruel?
And Officers...I know you have to develop a seriously thick skin and a dark sense of humor in order to last at your job, I really understand that. Rape reports aren't funny. Stop laughing.
Oh and for fuck's sake, try a little enunciation while you're at it. It's not like you're all stupid. Oh, sure, one or two of you might have been that guy who everyone called "Meat" or "Mad Dog" back in high school but most of you are pretty goddamn smart. You have to be. I have zero fucking clue what it's like to be a cop but I've written a shit ton of training and evaluation reports and I know that just the act of being on patrol requires more attention span, concentration, discipline, patience, and dedication than most people possess.
I know that you have to constantly be listening to radio traffic, even while rich white assholes yell at you to quit harassing them and to go prevent "real crime," as you issue them a citation for driving 70 miles per hour in front of a school.
I know that you have to be knowledgeable of every different make and model of all the various vehicles people drive.
I know you have to portion of a section of your brain and turn it into a Thomas Guide for the city you're patrolling.
I know that officer safety must always be your primary consideration in virtually everything you do, turning something that should be easy, such as parking your car, into something that requires real thought as well as competent decision making ability.
I know that in order to do your job you have to have a greater working knowledge of the law than is required by any other profession in the country, save that of lawyer.
And you know what? If you can't talk, all of that counts for exactly dick.
No one expects you to have incredible spelling or grammar skills. You don't even have to have a particularly amazing vocabulary. You just have to fucking talk.
And I know you can, cops get laid all the time and women aren't usually turned on by stories of the time you and your buddies beat the shit out of a rapist/murderer with your Maglites. So what the fuck?!
Why is it as soon as you're dictating the events of a traffic stop/meth bust into a digital recorder your verbal skills regress to the second fucking grade?
"I advised the driver of the vehicle where he was coming from."
You advised him? Advised?! No, you fucking didn't! You fucking asked him where he was coming from! Unless you're some sort of weirdo who levels The Finger Of Blame at people and says shit like, "You're on your way back home from the E-Z Mart at the intersection of Olive and Primrose!" which would be kind of awesome actually, but let's face it, you never do that.
If you have twenty or thirty years as a native English speaker under your belt and you still sound like a child or an ESL student, I have no use for you and want you out of my life immediately.
All right, bitch-fest over.
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