June 29, 2006
Journey: A Tribute To America
This is the funniest flash video I've ever seen. Phil is a god for finding it again. Click above for the glory.
June 27, 2006
Hell Is For Pussies
Goddamn. Godfuckingdamn! I am in double hell right now. The last three nights, I have had the pleasure of A) not having to work with the crazy old bat that is my supervisor, and B) working with two very cool and very sweet girls instead. This is almost worse than the first day of school after a particularly good summer vacation, back in the fourth grade.
For the last three nights I got to remember what it was like to have co-workers who were competent and fun to be around. And now, tonight, I'm back working with Old Tard Lady. And she is - to borrow a phrase from my friend, Mel - crazier than a shithouse rat.
There is a small part of me that very seriously wants to lay my head down on a train track and wait for sweet, sweet oblivion. Thankfully that part of me is being overshadowed by the part of me that can't wait to see the look on Old Tard Lady's face when I tell her I'm quitting.
For the last three nights I got to remember what it was like to have co-workers who were competent and fun to be around. And now, tonight, I'm back working with Old Tard Lady. And she is - to borrow a phrase from my friend, Mel - crazier than a shithouse rat.
There is a small part of me that very seriously wants to lay my head down on a train track and wait for sweet, sweet oblivion. Thankfully that part of me is being overshadowed by the part of me that can't wait to see the look on Old Tard Lady's face when I tell her I'm quitting.
June 23, 2006
Comics Are Cool And Shit
So I read comic books. Have done for...just a little more than thirty years now. And, as you would hope, my tastes have changed a bit in the last thirty years. And thank god, too, because I've met people who have been reading comics as long as I have whose tastes haven't changed. There are very few things that are quite as socially awkward as a conversation with a dude in his late thirties/early forties who still obsesses over Legion Of Superheroes continuity. And there are a lot of them. Just google the phrase "Legion Of Superheroes continuity," there are five or six essays in the first page of search results alone. Already getting off on a pointless tangent, I'll stop. Let's take that from the top again...
So I read comic books and have done so for a long ass time. And, after reading them for so many years, I just can't get into Spiderman or Green Lantern the way I used to. Or at all, actually. But there are a ton of great comics being published nowadays that not enough people know about. There are comics being created that should appeal to so many more readers than they actually do and one of the reasons for that is that 90% of most comics published are the same adolescent male fantasy (superheroes) shit, over and over and over again.
Another, equally important reason for this is that comics are entirely too hard to find. Sure, you can go into a borders and usually find some graphic novels and trade paper back collections, and that's cool but the selection is usually pretty limited and at least half of it will be the above-mentioned superhero shit. And, as anyone who's bothered to actually track one down has discovered, most comic specialty shops are total crap. Either they're selling 99% superhero product or the store is completely unorganized and the buyer can't find anything. Or the employee (which, more often than not is actually the owner) can't be pulled away from his PS2 game to actually help the customer find anything. Or the place just...smells. And nine times out of ten, the store is totally inaccessible or totally unappealing to women, thereby cutting themselves off from 50% of their potential market. Could you imagine how much Hollywood would shit if theaters smelled like McDonald's and ass and every time a girl walked in she'd be ogled and leered at by three guys standing in the corner, holding vaguely pornographic material in their hands? And I got off on another tangent there, sorry.
So the point is there are a lot of great comics being put out at the moment - more than at any other time in recent memory in fact - and more people should be checking them out. You know how it is when you go see a movie that totally just kicks you in the ass and it's the best movie you've seen in the last ten years and you want to tell everyone you know to go see it? That's what is going through my head at the moment, and I feel that way at least once or twice a month.
So I'm going to try something new here. New for me, anyway. I don't really want to start reviewing comics online, there are already a ton of sites that do that, some of which do it really well. And I don't want this to turn into a list of The Greatest Comics Ever Written, Jesus Christ, Why Don't You Own Them?! Again, there are plenty of sites that do that already. On top of which I'm only interested in talking about new product (or just new to me - I just discovered how great THE WALKING DEAD is about two or three years after everyone else has.). So basically what I have in mind is this: Whenever I read a comic that amazes me or really stands out as excellent I'm going to talk about it here.
And I was going to start this whole thing off by talking about Love and Rockets but I've now rambled on way too much so I'll be doing that either later on today or sometime this weekend. And yes, I could totally just rewrite the above into two succinct paragraphs but that would completely violate the whole stream of consciousness thing I do here. So...more to come.
So I read comic books and have done so for a long ass time. And, after reading them for so many years, I just can't get into Spiderman or Green Lantern the way I used to. Or at all, actually. But there are a ton of great comics being published nowadays that not enough people know about. There are comics being created that should appeal to so many more readers than they actually do and one of the reasons for that is that 90% of most comics published are the same adolescent male fantasy (superheroes) shit, over and over and over again.
Another, equally important reason for this is that comics are entirely too hard to find. Sure, you can go into a borders and usually find some graphic novels and trade paper back collections, and that's cool but the selection is usually pretty limited and at least half of it will be the above-mentioned superhero shit. And, as anyone who's bothered to actually track one down has discovered, most comic specialty shops are total crap. Either they're selling 99% superhero product or the store is completely unorganized and the buyer can't find anything. Or the employee (which, more often than not is actually the owner) can't be pulled away from his PS2 game to actually help the customer find anything. Or the place just...smells. And nine times out of ten, the store is totally inaccessible or totally unappealing to women, thereby cutting themselves off from 50% of their potential market. Could you imagine how much Hollywood would shit if theaters smelled like McDonald's and ass and every time a girl walked in she'd be ogled and leered at by three guys standing in the corner, holding vaguely pornographic material in their hands? And I got off on another tangent there, sorry.
So the point is there are a lot of great comics being put out at the moment - more than at any other time in recent memory in fact - and more people should be checking them out. You know how it is when you go see a movie that totally just kicks you in the ass and it's the best movie you've seen in the last ten years and you want to tell everyone you know to go see it? That's what is going through my head at the moment, and I feel that way at least once or twice a month.
So I'm going to try something new here. New for me, anyway. I don't really want to start reviewing comics online, there are already a ton of sites that do that, some of which do it really well. And I don't want this to turn into a list of The Greatest Comics Ever Written, Jesus Christ, Why Don't You Own Them?! Again, there are plenty of sites that do that already. On top of which I'm only interested in talking about new product (or just new to me - I just discovered how great THE WALKING DEAD is about two or three years after everyone else has.). So basically what I have in mind is this: Whenever I read a comic that amazes me or really stands out as excellent I'm going to talk about it here.
And I was going to start this whole thing off by talking about Love and Rockets but I've now rambled on way too much so I'll be doing that either later on today or sometime this weekend. And yes, I could totally just rewrite the above into two succinct paragraphs but that would completely violate the whole stream of consciousness thing I do here. So...more to come.
June 20, 2006
Fucking Kill Me
Oh my fucking god, do jobs get any shittier than this? Of course the answer is yes, I could always be a spooge-mopper at an adult theater. Somehow, "At least I'm not mopping up cum," doesn't lift my spirits very much. I cannot stay awake for anything. Unless I'm not working. If I play Spider Solitaire, I'm awake. If I chat with Phil, I'm awake. If I look for another job, I'm awake. If I try to get something done here, I'm hunched over in my chair, snoring softly, typing five hundred lines of:
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Waking up to that is awesome and always puts me in a good mood. It only took two months for this job to turn into watching grass grow. Time to split, I think. It's only a shitty temp job anyway.
That wasn't a very interesting update was it? Well, fuck it, I needed something to keep me awake.
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Waking up to that is awesome and always puts me in a good mood. It only took two months for this job to turn into watching grass grow. Time to split, I think. It's only a shitty temp job anyway.
That wasn't a very interesting update was it? Well, fuck it, I needed something to keep me awake.
June 16, 2006
Keep It In Your Pants
So I was hanging out with my friend Gregory earlier this evening and, as is usually the case, we were having a great conversation. We very briefly touched on the subject of racism and, completely out of nowhere, Gregory drops this wonderful bit of conversational gold that's too good not to share.
It started with me making the point that - a lot of the time - prejudice starts off as the result of a negative interaction with another person, and that negative interaction leads to the desire to mentally separate oneself from that person. And most often, we will take the fastest and easiest route to do so. So for example: I'm a white guy driving down the street, listening to the radio, enjoying the day. A black dude comes out of nowhere, doing 90, and cuts me off. What's my first reaction? Is it, "Wow that guy can't drive for shit?" Or is it, "Stupid nigger!?" Now, instead of a black guy cutting me off let's say it's an older Chinese lady. Do I say to myself, "Wow, she can't drive for shit?" or, upon noticing she's Chinese and a woman, do I say something more along the lines of, "Fucking typical. A chink and a woman, I'm lucky she didn't kill me." And, I guess what you'd say in a situation like that depends on what type of person you are.
My point though, was that most of us are guilty of having said something similar to the above at least once in our lives. And others are guilty of doing it a whole lot more than that. So Gregory took that in and responded with the following (I'm paraphrasing):
"Yes, prejudice and racism do start out as xenophobia. It's a common reaction to be scared of the guy that speaks a completely different language, or wears completely different clothes, or looks completely differently from you. Xenophobia is a totally normal and common human reaction. It's also a normal human reaction to have an erection, but that doesn't mean it's okay to walk around with your dick out, and you can't just jump on the first female you run across. We call that rape. Part of living in a civilized society is rising above our common, basic instincts and reactions."
I've had that on my mind all night and I'll be using that line for the rest of my life. Gregory rocks.
It started with me making the point that - a lot of the time - prejudice starts off as the result of a negative interaction with another person, and that negative interaction leads to the desire to mentally separate oneself from that person. And most often, we will take the fastest and easiest route to do so. So for example: I'm a white guy driving down the street, listening to the radio, enjoying the day. A black dude comes out of nowhere, doing 90, and cuts me off. What's my first reaction? Is it, "Wow that guy can't drive for shit?" Or is it, "Stupid nigger!?" Now, instead of a black guy cutting me off let's say it's an older Chinese lady. Do I say to myself, "Wow, she can't drive for shit?" or, upon noticing she's Chinese and a woman, do I say something more along the lines of, "Fucking typical. A chink and a woman, I'm lucky she didn't kill me." And, I guess what you'd say in a situation like that depends on what type of person you are.
My point though, was that most of us are guilty of having said something similar to the above at least once in our lives. And others are guilty of doing it a whole lot more than that. So Gregory took that in and responded with the following (I'm paraphrasing):
"Yes, prejudice and racism do start out as xenophobia. It's a common reaction to be scared of the guy that speaks a completely different language, or wears completely different clothes, or looks completely differently from you. Xenophobia is a totally normal and common human reaction. It's also a normal human reaction to have an erection, but that doesn't mean it's okay to walk around with your dick out, and you can't just jump on the first female you run across. We call that rape. Part of living in a civilized society is rising above our common, basic instincts and reactions."
I've had that on my mind all night and I'll be using that line for the rest of my life. Gregory rocks.
June 15, 2006
June 10, 2006
My Own (Scary) Little World
I want to seize power. I want to feed all of Congress to animals and I want to turn The White House into The Museum Of Our Terribly Embarrassing Past, to remind everyone why I bothered seizing power in the first place. I want to move the nation's capitol to Los Angeles (because we really do have the best weather in the country) and I want to build The Tyrell Building from BLADERUNNER, only bigger and I'll call it Capitol X and it'll give spontaneous, uncontrollable erections to architects and engineers and all persons of good taste. Capitol X will be entirely staffed by insanely hot android chicks, all of whom will dress like Julie Newmar and Diana Rigg. And when all that is finally done, I'm going to get down to the business of making this country somewhere I want to live again.Criminals convicted of vandalism will now be instantly executed and their families will be required to repair the damage caused by the deceased. Harsh, yes, but I expect a 100% decrease in vandalism within the first six months of my rule.This should be enough to keep me busy for the first year of my reign. I can't wait to see that painting.
Rapists, murderers, and child molesters will also be instantly executed with no appeal.
Executions will be greatly simplified. The convict will now be shot once in the back of the head. This will happen in a concrete room with a drain in the middle of the floor. This will not happen if the person in question was convicted of a white collar crime.
Once a year, on September 1st, criminals convicted of white collar crimes will be given Swiss Army Knives and a pair of running shoes and will be dropped off, naked, on The Alaskan Peninsula where they will be forced to fight bears. This will be filmed and turned into a reality show.
There will be a pre-trial hearing to all law suits. If it is determined that the law suit in question is frivolous, both the plaintiff and the attorney will be visiting bears in the fall.
Attorneys will never be disbarred. They will visit bears.
Corrupt cops, judges, and officials both elected and appointed will not be fired and prosecuted. They will visit bears.
The FCC will be dissolved. Networks will be allowed to broadcast images of nipples. The 24 Hour Nipple Network will be created.
24 hour news networks will be given the option of covering global news (actual news stories in every country) or going off the air.
Every governmental agency will undergo a name change from their current titles to "The Ministry of..." because that sounds cooler. The Ministry of Manners will be created. The Ministry of Manners will be more brutal than the Spanish Inquisition and will rapidly become the most feared branch of government.
People will no longer be allowed to carry or own guns. Not because they represent a threat to my rule but because you fucking retards can't seem to keep from shooting each other. And fuck hunting. If you really need to kill an animal then either take up fishing or get used to arrows. You idiots won't be able to do much more than maim each other with fishhooks and arrows, and people who have been maimed can still pay their goddamn taxes.
There will be no such thing as an illegal substance. Citizens will be free to fuck their lives up as much as they want to. Their habits will be taxed like fuck and loadie jerk offs who commit crime as a result of not being able to handle their drugs will automatically have their sentences doubled. The same will go for alcoholic jerk offs who can't handle their booze.
America will no longer spread or defend Democracy throughout the world. That will be mostly due to the fact that Democracy in America will be dead, but also because foreigners can fuck off and live their lives however they wish.
When America is faced with a real enemy, we will react with enough bombs to make what happened to Dresden look like a marshmallow roast. There will be no such thing as the occupation of enemy territory. A bit harsh, yes, but I'm banking on most people thinking twice about attacking us if they believe their families will be melted.
A giant, continuous wall will be constructed along our new southern border. It will be made of unbreakable Plexiglas. It will stand one mile tall and extend one mile underground. It will be built just north of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida. Georgia will be spared because Savannah is pretty. The Great 48 will become The Nifty 43.
I will commission a black velvet painting of Elvis, John Wayne, Johnny Cash, Jesus, and myself playing poker with dogs. It will be 200 feet wide and 150 feet tall and will hang in the lobby of Capitol X.
Land Of The Free
This is a very rough draft of something I wrote up for the newest issue of MungBeing. Unfortunately, I've been absolute shit at properly organizing my time latley and wound up not being able to refine this in time for publication. But, rather than just let it disappear, I thought I'd put it up here in all it's first draft glory, with only a few changes.
I'm an American and I love my country. I love the freedoms I'm allowed as an American. I love that, as an American, I can make a phone call to anyone in the world, secure in the knowledge that who I'm calling isn't being kept track of in some nefarious database. That's because I was lucky enough to be born in a country that believes in and cherishes basic freedoms like the right to privacy.
I love that I can check books out of libraries and read whatever I want. I love that we aren't backwards ass rednecks who believe in insane things like banning or burning books. That's because we're progressive enough to know that books are just things and, as such, incapable of being "dangerous" or "evil." That's just crazy talk.
I love that even the most mundane basic rights - like the right to be married to whoever we want - are guaranteed for every citizen, regardless of race, sex, creed, sexual preference, or whatever else. That's because we all know it's silly to care who anyone else is married to.
I love that we can vote for whoever we want, confidant that our vote counts and that our individual and collective voices are heard by the people we let govern us. That's because Americans believe in democracy and that the will of the people shouldn't be filtered or interfered with by anything such as election fraud or archaic and retarded institutions.
I love that we have so much freedom to go around that we randomly give away our "freedom surplus" to other countries that don't have as much, like Iraq. That's because we care about the Iraqi people just as we care about all citizens of the world, and will fight to the death for their right to receive the freedom we're giving them, even though they don't understand what we're doing and get confused and think we're killing innocent civilians by the tens of thousands. They'll figure it out soon enough though.
I love that we're free to make major mistakes without fear of consequence. For instance, let's just say that I accidentally shot someone in the face while hunting defenseless, near-crippled animals. I'm confident that everyone would understand it was just a silly mistake and that there'd be no reason for a trial. That's because our system of justice is fair and unbiased and, as a member of the working poor, I'm guaranteed the same treatment that someone rich and powerful like, oh...a member of congress or even the vice president would get if he were to find himself in the same situation.
I love that I'm free to evacuate my home as soon as possible regardless of whether or not I have transportation or somewhere I can go. That's because we value individual freedom in this country. This isn't Russia, we don't force people out of their homes, nor do we tell them where they're going or how they're getting there, that's entirely up to them. When Katrina hit New Orleans last year, our government didn't start jumping in people's faces, telling them they, "had to leave," because if they didn't they would, "surely die." They were already going to lose their homes and everything they owned, were we supposed to rob them of their dignity too? Maybe we were supposed to pile them all into school busses, like children, and drive them somewhere safe without giving a rat's ass where they wanted to go? No. Fuck that. We left those people alone to make their own decisions like adults. They were free to go anywhere they wanted. Except Gretna.
I love that we have a free press in this country and that if I want to know what my government is doing I don't have to go to such improbable lengths as reading foreign newspapers. Nope, all I have to do is turn on the television or open any newspaper and I am instantly given access to the important stories of the day and hard, cold information without any unnecessary editorializing. That's because...uhm...goddammit.
I love that we have freedom of speech in this country. Because that guarantees that I can walk out onto a street corner anywhere in the nation and, without fear of reprisal, say something like, "Cheney's a stinker," or "Say, it appears as though Rumsfeld is easily as much of a religious zealot as Bin Laden is," or even, "George W. Bush is without question, the worst president this nation has ever known. That he has served five and a half years without the people of this country organizing and staging a revolution is a constant source of both amazement and shame. He is a dirtbag and a lying sack of shit and if there is any justice on this earth, a plague of spirochetes, the size of Texas, will fly up his urethra and breed. A greasy, black discharge will geyser out of his nipples and every day, for the rest of his existence, one in two people will fail to resist the urge to spit in his face." If, y'know,I felt like it. That's because the first amendment rocks my fucking ass off. And because I'm an American, goddammit, and that means I have the right to say whatever I want. God bless the USA!
I'm an American and I love my country. I love the freedoms I'm allowed as an American. I love that, as an American, I can make a phone call to anyone in the world, secure in the knowledge that who I'm calling isn't being kept track of in some nefarious database. That's because I was lucky enough to be born in a country that believes in and cherishes basic freedoms like the right to privacy.
I love that I can check books out of libraries and read whatever I want. I love that we aren't backwards ass rednecks who believe in insane things like banning or burning books. That's because we're progressive enough to know that books are just things and, as such, incapable of being "dangerous" or "evil." That's just crazy talk.
I love that even the most mundane basic rights - like the right to be married to whoever we want - are guaranteed for every citizen, regardless of race, sex, creed, sexual preference, or whatever else. That's because we all know it's silly to care who anyone else is married to.
I love that we can vote for whoever we want, confidant that our vote counts and that our individual and collective voices are heard by the people we let govern us. That's because Americans believe in democracy and that the will of the people shouldn't be filtered or interfered with by anything such as election fraud or archaic and retarded institutions.
I love that we have so much freedom to go around that we randomly give away our "freedom surplus" to other countries that don't have as much, like Iraq. That's because we care about the Iraqi people just as we care about all citizens of the world, and will fight to the death for their right to receive the freedom we're giving them, even though they don't understand what we're doing and get confused and think we're killing innocent civilians by the tens of thousands. They'll figure it out soon enough though.
I love that we're free to make major mistakes without fear of consequence. For instance, let's just say that I accidentally shot someone in the face while hunting defenseless, near-crippled animals. I'm confident that everyone would understand it was just a silly mistake and that there'd be no reason for a trial. That's because our system of justice is fair and unbiased and, as a member of the working poor, I'm guaranteed the same treatment that someone rich and powerful like, oh...a member of congress or even the vice president would get if he were to find himself in the same situation.
I love that I'm free to evacuate my home as soon as possible regardless of whether or not I have transportation or somewhere I can go. That's because we value individual freedom in this country. This isn't Russia, we don't force people out of their homes, nor do we tell them where they're going or how they're getting there, that's entirely up to them. When Katrina hit New Orleans last year, our government didn't start jumping in people's faces, telling them they, "had to leave," because if they didn't they would, "surely die." They were already going to lose their homes and everything they owned, were we supposed to rob them of their dignity too? Maybe we were supposed to pile them all into school busses, like children, and drive them somewhere safe without giving a rat's ass where they wanted to go? No. Fuck that. We left those people alone to make their own decisions like adults. They were free to go anywhere they wanted. Except Gretna.
I love that we have a free press in this country and that if I want to know what my government is doing I don't have to go to such improbable lengths as reading foreign newspapers. Nope, all I have to do is turn on the television or open any newspaper and I am instantly given access to the important stories of the day and hard, cold information without any unnecessary editorializing. That's because...uhm...goddammit.
I love that we have freedom of speech in this country. Because that guarantees that I can walk out onto a street corner anywhere in the nation and, without fear of reprisal, say something like, "Cheney's a stinker," or "Say, it appears as though Rumsfeld is easily as much of a religious zealot as Bin Laden is," or even, "George W. Bush is without question, the worst president this nation has ever known. That he has served five and a half years without the people of this country organizing and staging a revolution is a constant source of both amazement and shame. He is a dirtbag and a lying sack of shit and if there is any justice on this earth, a plague of spirochetes, the size of Texas, will fly up his urethra and breed. A greasy, black discharge will geyser out of his nipples and every day, for the rest of his existence, one in two people will fail to resist the urge to spit in his face." If, y'know,I felt like it. That's because the first amendment rocks my fucking ass off. And because I'm an American, goddammit, and that means I have the right to say whatever I want. God bless the USA!
June 07, 2006
20/20 Hindsight
Yeah...Taco. What's the difference between watching the video now and watching it then? Back then we were only mostly sure it was the gayest video of the 80's.
This gem was found at milinkito.com.
June 04, 2006
Thrilling Tard Tales Continued
Just some random shit here:
There's a man in the world named Jimmy Wonderlick. He may well be Officer Pinkstaff's Arch Nemesis. More later, as the story develops.
This is an example of the sort of dictation cops provide us with here:
"He later retrieved his driver's license from his wallet and took it out of his wallet."
This was a twenty minute report that had six minutes worth of content. Just thought I'd give you an idea of the fun I have here. It did remind me of a funny joke one of my friends once made about trying to be as redundant as possible, as much as he could.
A couple hours ago, my supervisor - the old lady - went to the bathroom. Just now, I went in there to take a piss and the toilet seat was up. She has a secret apparently. A secret that will rob me of any decent sort of sleep for the next week. I find this very upsetting.
There's a man in the world named Jimmy Wonderlick. He may well be Officer Pinkstaff's Arch Nemesis. More later, as the story develops.
This is an example of the sort of dictation cops provide us with here:
"He later retrieved his driver's license from his wallet and took it out of his wallet."
This was a twenty minute report that had six minutes worth of content. Just thought I'd give you an idea of the fun I have here. It did remind me of a funny joke one of my friends once made about trying to be as redundant as possible, as much as he could.
A couple hours ago, my supervisor - the old lady - went to the bathroom. Just now, I went in there to take a piss and the toilet seat was up. She has a secret apparently. A secret that will rob me of any decent sort of sleep for the next week. I find this very upsetting.
Thrilling Tard Tales
At least I don't work with the public, at least I don't work with the public, at least I don't work with the public...
This has become my mantra here at work. I got paid yesterday. Already blew it on a tank of gas and a Snicker Bar. I was hoping to have enough for gum. Oh well. I'm trying to remember the last time I was hoping to have enough for gum but that had to be over thirty years ago.
Honestly, I don't care about the money that much. Of much greater importance, is who dies first: My supervisor or me? I don't want to kill her and I really don't want to die. But the way things are going this weekend, one of us is going through the window.
Just a couple minutes ago she shouts out, "We gotta drop the phone, guy!" She calls me "guy" a lot.
She works in the main room of the office and I work in one of the smaller offices off to the side of the main room. We're not very far apart but there is a wall between us and I usually have earphones on since I'm transcribing some terribly important police business (pot bust, usually). So when she shouts something out, I have to stop what I'm doing and pull one of my earphones out and shout back, "I'm sorry?" Which is exactly what I just did.
And she repeats herself, "We gotta drop the phone!"
"Okay," I reply, "What does that mean?"
...
No fucking answer. But at least I've been brought up to speed with this crucial phone update. I swear to god, I'm going to start bringing a soda can filled with $2.15 in nickels to work with me and every time she shouts some random useless shit about the goddamn hitch in her fucking giddy-up I'm going to rattle that can right in her ear.
And, if that doesn't stop her, I'm going to throw one of us through the window.
This has become my mantra here at work. I got paid yesterday. Already blew it on a tank of gas and a Snicker Bar. I was hoping to have enough for gum. Oh well. I'm trying to remember the last time I was hoping to have enough for gum but that had to be over thirty years ago.
Honestly, I don't care about the money that much. Of much greater importance, is who dies first: My supervisor or me? I don't want to kill her and I really don't want to die. But the way things are going this weekend, one of us is going through the window.
Just a couple minutes ago she shouts out, "We gotta drop the phone, guy!" She calls me "guy" a lot.
She works in the main room of the office and I work in one of the smaller offices off to the side of the main room. We're not very far apart but there is a wall between us and I usually have earphones on since I'm transcribing some terribly important police business (pot bust, usually). So when she shouts something out, I have to stop what I'm doing and pull one of my earphones out and shout back, "I'm sorry?" Which is exactly what I just did.
And she repeats herself, "We gotta drop the phone!"
"Okay," I reply, "What does that mean?"
...
No fucking answer. But at least I've been brought up to speed with this crucial phone update. I swear to god, I'm going to start bringing a soda can filled with $2.15 in nickels to work with me and every time she shouts some random useless shit about the goddamn hitch in her fucking giddy-up I'm going to rattle that can right in her ear.
And, if that doesn't stop her, I'm going to throw one of us through the window.
June 02, 2006
Unfuckingreal
Okay, so talking with Howard tonight, I told him about The Cum Shot Gun and it occurred to me while talking about it, that it could just be a fake commercial which, in this age of fake movie trailers and other crazy internet shit, would be very easy to believe. So I just got back and googled it and came up with this. Just fucking amazing. So I sent an email to Hasbro asking them how it is the guys who run monkeyfilter.com could figure out that, "the Oozinator, the new Super Soaker from Hasbro, is seriously wrong," and (apparently) everyone in their product development and marketing departments can't. I'll post the reply here, assuming I actually get one. Not holding my breath.
Wikipedia has a fucking hysterical entry for The Oozinater, check it out here.
Wikipedia has a fucking hysterical entry for The Oozinater, check it out here.
