Something Else You Should Watch
This guy is rapidly becoming my favorite newscaster. Not that great an achievement given that I previously hated all of them, but still.
September 26, 2006
This guy is rapidly becoming my favorite newscaster. Not that great an achievement given that I previously hated all of them, but still.
September 25, 2006
Disneyland - What Happened To The Future?
My wife and I went to Disneyland about a month ago for what will most likely be the last time for the next couple years. We've had annual passes for the last three years, and we used to go all the time. Lately, we haven't been able to get down there as much, even though we're only forty minutes away. Our schedules kinda suck and we're busy as hell, blah blah blah...so we let our passes lapse.
I like Disneyland. It's not as cool as it was when I was a kid, but I'm not sure if that's because the place has actually gone downhill or if I'm just too old to get into fucking Toontown. Probably a little of each, as is usually the case.
Prior to getting the annual passes, I hadn't been to Disneyland since...I can't remember when. Needless to say it's changed a bit. The biggest drag about the park these days is Tomorrowland. Back in the 70's and 80's everyone in America knew what the future looked like. They might have argued over the details but, in general, there were three main things that were everywhere: Chrome, bright colors, and flying cars. And drinking fountains with lemonade, though that particular dream may have been dreamt by me, alone.
So the first time we went to Disneyland with our passes, I'm remembering all sorts of shit I'd forgotten and loving the fact that The Haunted Mansion is unchanged and basically just enjoying the hell out of the day. Then we went to Tomorrowland. What a miserable fucking disgrace. I was shocked. I was horrified. Apparently nowadays, the future has a two-tone brown on tan sort of look to it.
[Tangent]
Note to Disney: Space 1999 sucked ass. Martin Landau and Barbara Bain running around in earth tones was not the fucking future any of us wanted. There's a reason Paramount is still cranking out Star Trek shit and my younger friends don't even know what the hell I'm talking about when I make Space 1999 references.
[/Tangent]
And half the fucking rides weren't there anymore: No Submarine Ride, no People Mover (fuck you, it rocked - It took us into the World of Tron), no Mission To Mars, and, (Dear God!) no Inner Space. And Space Mountain was shut down for almost two years for "upgrades." And fucking Autopia - and goddammit, this is almost the worst part - had gotten rid of all the cars in favor of those motherfucking Chevron Cars designed by the Wallace & Gromit people.
In other words, the future looks like...right now. What did I see when I looked around?
But, if you ignore Tomorrowland, the rest of the park is still pretty cool. And I still have a great time when I go. It's Disneyland, after all, there's still a *little* magic there.
It's funny; I'd actually planned on writing about how much I hate people and their fucking strollers. Guess that'll have to wait for next time.
I like Disneyland. It's not as cool as it was when I was a kid, but I'm not sure if that's because the place has actually gone downhill or if I'm just too old to get into fucking Toontown. Probably a little of each, as is usually the case.
Prior to getting the annual passes, I hadn't been to Disneyland since...I can't remember when. Needless to say it's changed a bit. The biggest drag about the park these days is Tomorrowland. Back in the 70's and 80's everyone in America knew what the future looked like. They might have argued over the details but, in general, there were three main things that were everywhere: Chrome, bright colors, and flying cars. And drinking fountains with lemonade, though that particular dream may have been dreamt by me, alone.
So the first time we went to Disneyland with our passes, I'm remembering all sorts of shit I'd forgotten and loving the fact that The Haunted Mansion is unchanged and basically just enjoying the hell out of the day. Then we went to Tomorrowland. What a miserable fucking disgrace. I was shocked. I was horrified. Apparently nowadays, the future has a two-tone brown on tan sort of look to it.
[Tangent]
Note to Disney: Space 1999 sucked ass. Martin Landau and Barbara Bain running around in earth tones was not the fucking future any of us wanted. There's a reason Paramount is still cranking out Star Trek shit and my younger friends don't even know what the hell I'm talking about when I make Space 1999 references.
[/Tangent]
And half the fucking rides weren't there anymore: No Submarine Ride, no People Mover (fuck you, it rocked - It took us into the World of Tron), no Mission To Mars, and, (Dear God!) no Inner Space. And Space Mountain was shut down for almost two years for "upgrades." And fucking Autopia - and goddammit, this is almost the worst part - had gotten rid of all the cars in favor of those motherfucking Chevron Cars designed by the Wallace & Gromit people.
In other words, the future looks like...right now. What did I see when I looked around?
- The color scheme and layout looked like every dogshit planned community that's taking over the Southern California landscape.
- Product placement and crass commercialization, in the form of Autopia and Star Tours.
- Blight and decay, in the form of The Submarine Ride and The People Mover.
- And, a pointless and inefficient bureaucracy, in the form of Space Mountain (You'll never be able to convince me those upgrades were either good or necessary, and two fucking years?!).
But, if you ignore Tomorrowland, the rest of the park is still pretty cool. And I still have a great time when I go. It's Disneyland, after all, there's still a *little* magic there.
It's funny; I'd actually planned on writing about how much I hate people and their fucking strollers. Guess that'll have to wait for next time.
September 20, 2006
Oats
It could only have come from Howard:
Sheriff's Deputies Make Bizarre Arrest
Santa Barbara County sheriff's deputies come across a bizarre encounter at La Purisima Mission in Lompoc.
Around midnight they found a 69-year-old Huntington beach man naked and covered in oats.
Deputies say the man had covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and allowed the horses at the mission to lick him clean.
He apparently told deputies this has always been a fantasy of his and drove up from the Los Angeles area to play it out.
Alfred Thomas Steven was cited and released for trespassing, animal cruelty and sexually assaulting an animal.
Sheriff's Deputies Make Bizarre Arrest
Santa Barbara County sheriff's deputies come across a bizarre encounter at La Purisima Mission in Lompoc.
Around midnight they found a 69-year-old Huntington beach man naked and covered in oats.
Deputies say the man had covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and allowed the horses at the mission to lick him clean.
He apparently told deputies this has always been a fantasy of his and drove up from the Los Angeles area to play it out.
Alfred Thomas Steven was cited and released for trespassing, animal cruelty and sexually assaulting an animal.
September 17, 2006
Halloween
So my work-friend, Tevis, just asked me what I used to dress up as for Halloween. I told her the last time I "did" Halloween was 1981. She replied with, "I wasn't even born yet," which made me feel youthful and energetic as hell.
But anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about it and I really can't remember more than a few costumes. I remember dressing as Batman one year. And I think Casper. That was back when Halloween costumes were those shitty vinyl things you'd buy at drugstores with the masks that were secured to your head with rubber bands and smelled just the slightest bit toxic. The best part about those masks was when you'd take them off for a second and then put them back on and your face would get moistened with your own sweat.
I'm pretty sure I dressed up as a monster or a pirate in my older years and I'm almost positive that I dressed up as hobo one year, which is pretty fucked up and yet, I kinda miss the days when it was socially acceptable to dress your kids up as a homeless person for Halloween.
When I was in the sixth grade, I had to miss Halloween because I was in the hospital. I'd had my appendix yanked out and was suffering from post surgery complications such as a really bitchin' stomach flu. Dry heaves mixed with fresh abdominal scars rocked my fucking world in a way that hasn't been equaled since. Oh and then as if to rub it in my sick little face the hospital gives me this shitty fucking pumpkin with a happy clown face painted on it. As an adult, I'm willing to admit that this was exceedingly cool of the hospital. As a twelve year old, I was aghast at the notion of a Halloween pumpkin painted - not carved, but fucking painted - as a happy goddamn clown. Why not just wipe your ass with all my boyhood dreams while you're at it?
That Halloween sucked the shit out of The Devil's ass. The one thing that saved it from being a complete write-off was my mom and dad buying me The Millennium Falcon from Kenner Toys. Long after I've sold off all my other Star Wars shit from childhood, I still have that damn thing. Sure, it's covered in dust and hanging out in my parent's garage, but it's still one of my most cherished possessions, simply because it was the one Star Wars toy I wanted most and because my parents gave it to me during the most miserable three weeks of my childhood.
The next year would be my last Halloween where I dressed up and ran around the neighborhood begging for candy. I have no idea what I dressed up as. In fact, the only thing I remember is being at this one house that was owned by this really crabby old lady and she said, "You guys are a little big to be dressing up for Halloween aren't you?" She said this because I was 6'1" at the time. Everyone I was with was like, "We're twelve," but I actually felt that I was, in fact, starting to get to be a little too old to be dressing up for Halloween. I had more mature pursuits (comic books and video games) in mind. But anyway I answered her with, "Yeah well, I was in the hospital last year so I figured I'd do it one last time before calling it quits." She replied with a sensitive, "Well you don't have to be a smart ass about it!" and then gave everyone except me, a piece of candy. I looked at her and said, "No, really, I was in the hospital," and she just stared at me and grunted and begrudgingly put a piece of candy in my bag. "I swear to God, I was in the hospital," I said. She continued throwing eye-daggers my way and (I swear to God, I'm not making this up) said, "I'm too old and too tired to deal with your shit, don't come back here tonight."
We did come back that night. Much, much later that night. And we brought the Charmin with us.
But anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about it and I really can't remember more than a few costumes. I remember dressing as Batman one year. And I think Casper. That was back when Halloween costumes were those shitty vinyl things you'd buy at drugstores with the masks that were secured to your head with rubber bands and smelled just the slightest bit toxic. The best part about those masks was when you'd take them off for a second and then put them back on and your face would get moistened with your own sweat.
I'm pretty sure I dressed up as a monster or a pirate in my older years and I'm almost positive that I dressed up as hobo one year, which is pretty fucked up and yet, I kinda miss the days when it was socially acceptable to dress your kids up as a homeless person for Halloween.
When I was in the sixth grade, I had to miss Halloween because I was in the hospital. I'd had my appendix yanked out and was suffering from post surgery complications such as a really bitchin' stomach flu. Dry heaves mixed with fresh abdominal scars rocked my fucking world in a way that hasn't been equaled since. Oh and then as if to rub it in my sick little face the hospital gives me this shitty fucking pumpkin with a happy clown face painted on it. As an adult, I'm willing to admit that this was exceedingly cool of the hospital. As a twelve year old, I was aghast at the notion of a Halloween pumpkin painted - not carved, but fucking painted - as a happy goddamn clown. Why not just wipe your ass with all my boyhood dreams while you're at it?
That Halloween sucked the shit out of The Devil's ass. The one thing that saved it from being a complete write-off was my mom and dad buying me The Millennium Falcon from Kenner Toys. Long after I've sold off all my other Star Wars shit from childhood, I still have that damn thing. Sure, it's covered in dust and hanging out in my parent's garage, but it's still one of my most cherished possessions, simply because it was the one Star Wars toy I wanted most and because my parents gave it to me during the most miserable three weeks of my childhood.The next year would be my last Halloween where I dressed up and ran around the neighborhood begging for candy. I have no idea what I dressed up as. In fact, the only thing I remember is being at this one house that was owned by this really crabby old lady and she said, "You guys are a little big to be dressing up for Halloween aren't you?" She said this because I was 6'1" at the time. Everyone I was with was like, "We're twelve," but I actually felt that I was, in fact, starting to get to be a little too old to be dressing up for Halloween. I had more mature pursuits (comic books and video games) in mind. But anyway I answered her with, "Yeah well, I was in the hospital last year so I figured I'd do it one last time before calling it quits." She replied with a sensitive, "Well you don't have to be a smart ass about it!" and then gave everyone except me, a piece of candy. I looked at her and said, "No, really, I was in the hospital," and she just stared at me and grunted and begrudgingly put a piece of candy in my bag. "I swear to God, I was in the hospital," I said. She continued throwing eye-daggers my way and (I swear to God, I'm not making this up) said, "I'm too old and too tired to deal with your shit, don't come back here tonight."
We did come back that night. Much, much later that night. And we brought the Charmin with us.
September 13, 2006
September 10, 2006
Back To School
So I'm going back to school for the first time in whole lotta years and, for the first time in a long, long, long ass time, I've found the internet to be useful for something other than porn or stealing music. The last time I went to school, people weren't really doing the internet just yet. It was around, but only the seriously geeky were online. Not so, anymore.
I applied for school in about ten minutes and I registered and paid for classes in less than that. I should have bought my book online but I like going to bookstores so I didn't. So, I bought the one book I'll need this semester and it only cost 85 bucks. I waited till I got outside to shit myself. Later that night, while not working at work, it occurred to me that I could probably find the same damn book at amazon.com for a lot less than I paid at the school bookstore. So I went to Amazon and did a search and there it was for 43 bucks. Fuck the school bookstore.
As for school itself, I was initially a bit worried about going back at the tender age of 37. Every year 20 year olds look more and more like aliens to me and I'm about to be spending a LOT of fucking time with them. The last time I did this I was sitting in this history class (it was supposed to be covering pre-civ up to the Treaty of Lord Ballywhig's Ass or whatever...so of course we were talking about the fucking 60's) and the teacher was talking about Kennedy and Camelot and how relevant it all was and how it made the baby jesus smile (not that I'm sick of the 60's or anything...) and The Bay of Pigs and blah blah blah, and this one student, who I'll refer to as Deer-In-The-Headlights-Boy, said, "Is that what people are talking about when they say, 'The Great Cold War?'"
...
And something in me just stopped. How does anyone not know what the cold war was? How does anyone not know there's no "Great" in between "the" and "cold?" I'm not *that* fucking old. I'm not I'm not I'm not.
But anyway, that was then and this is now. And now happens to be an evening class, which means fewer children (tho still plenty young - I'm the oldest guy in class by a decade). And actually, they weren't too horrible. And neither was anyone I dealt with on the first day. I mean, sure, their pants were all five sizes too big, but there wasn't an asshole in sight. I was shocked. We'll see how long that lasts.
Anyway, all things considered, going back to school wasn't that sucky. Unless you count the parking. But then, convenient parking and college never did really go together did they? Well, fuck it, I can use the exercise.
I applied for school in about ten minutes and I registered and paid for classes in less than that. I should have bought my book online but I like going to bookstores so I didn't. So, I bought the one book I'll need this semester and it only cost 85 bucks. I waited till I got outside to shit myself. Later that night, while not working at work, it occurred to me that I could probably find the same damn book at amazon.com for a lot less than I paid at the school bookstore. So I went to Amazon and did a search and there it was for 43 bucks. Fuck the school bookstore.
As for school itself, I was initially a bit worried about going back at the tender age of 37. Every year 20 year olds look more and more like aliens to me and I'm about to be spending a LOT of fucking time with them. The last time I did this I was sitting in this history class (it was supposed to be covering pre-civ up to the Treaty of Lord Ballywhig's Ass or whatever...so of course we were talking about the fucking 60's) and the teacher was talking about Kennedy and Camelot and how relevant it all was and how it made the baby jesus smile (not that I'm sick of the 60's or anything...) and The Bay of Pigs and blah blah blah, and this one student, who I'll refer to as Deer-In-The-Headlights-Boy, said, "Is that what people are talking about when they say, 'The Great Cold War?'"
...
And something in me just stopped. How does anyone not know what the cold war was? How does anyone not know there's no "Great" in between "the" and "cold?" I'm not *that* fucking old. I'm not I'm not I'm not.
But anyway, that was then and this is now. And now happens to be an evening class, which means fewer children (tho still plenty young - I'm the oldest guy in class by a decade). And actually, they weren't too horrible. And neither was anyone I dealt with on the first day. I mean, sure, their pants were all five sizes too big, but there wasn't an asshole in sight. I was shocked. We'll see how long that lasts.
Anyway, all things considered, going back to school wasn't that sucky. Unless you count the parking. But then, convenient parking and college never did really go together did they? Well, fuck it, I can use the exercise.
September 05, 2006
The Fat Bastard Report - Part 2
So in light of my need to lose a fuck-ton of weight, I started exercising about three weeks ago. Nothing too horrible just some walking. The first time out, I figured I'd be lucky to last about a half hour before passing out. I made about 20 minutes. Maybe. Ten minutes in and my left knee was hurting, the muscle (Vastus Medialis - yay google!) next to my right knee was hurting, and my lower right back was hurting.
I felt like such a fucking pussy.
The next morning, while picking up a bottle of detergent, I tweaked my lower back and this time it was pretty bad. Tonight is the first time in three weeks I've been able to get out of bed without pain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Two days later, the pain is so fucking horrible, I decide to go to Sav-On and pick up a box of Doans (which actually works pretty goddamn well, it turns out) because I'd heard that it was the best there is for back pain. So I go into the store and after a couple minutes I find the Doans - on the bottom fucking shelf. I'll say that again, they put the back pain meds on the bottom fucking shelf. So I go through this production of flailing arms and trying to bend at the (bad) knees, and I wind up getting my box of Doans with only minimal pain. As I'm walking toward the registers at the front, a manager crosses my path and says, "Hi there, you finding everything okay today?" I shot back with, "Y'know...I don't know the first goddamn thing about running a drug store..." and you can imagine where it went from there. He promised to fix that.
So I've been walking once or twice a week ever since then, and the cool thing is I've been able to measure real improvement in my stamina every time. Hopefully that continues to improve. Starting this week, I think it's time to start with the push-ups and the sit-ups.
My wife and I were at this birthday party last weekend. The lady who threw it is the best and she's a killer cook but she's old school and makes everything with a ton of butter. I had two pieces of quiche (which, I guess means I'm not a real man) and for the next two days felt like all the blood in my body had been drained and replaced with melted butter. And the next time she makes some I'll have some more, but goddamn, if that shit doesn't inspire you to watch what you eat like a hawk for the rest of the week. Which I've been doing.
As for how much weight I've lost...not a whole lot as of yet.
And yet another fun little wrinkle...it was established today that I'm apparently retaining a lot of water and it appears as though I've got early stages of Edema. But I'll write more about that next week, I've gone on long enough for now.
I felt like such a fucking pussy.
The next morning, while picking up a bottle of detergent, I tweaked my lower back and this time it was pretty bad. Tonight is the first time in three weeks I've been able to get out of bed without pain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Two days later, the pain is so fucking horrible, I decide to go to Sav-On and pick up a box of Doans (which actually works pretty goddamn well, it turns out) because I'd heard that it was the best there is for back pain. So I go into the store and after a couple minutes I find the Doans - on the bottom fucking shelf. I'll say that again, they put the back pain meds on the bottom fucking shelf. So I go through this production of flailing arms and trying to bend at the (bad) knees, and I wind up getting my box of Doans with only minimal pain. As I'm walking toward the registers at the front, a manager crosses my path and says, "Hi there, you finding everything okay today?" I shot back with, "Y'know...I don't know the first goddamn thing about running a drug store..." and you can imagine where it went from there. He promised to fix that.
So I've been walking once or twice a week ever since then, and the cool thing is I've been able to measure real improvement in my stamina every time. Hopefully that continues to improve. Starting this week, I think it's time to start with the push-ups and the sit-ups.
My wife and I were at this birthday party last weekend. The lady who threw it is the best and she's a killer cook but she's old school and makes everything with a ton of butter. I had two pieces of quiche (which, I guess means I'm not a real man) and for the next two days felt like all the blood in my body had been drained and replaced with melted butter. And the next time she makes some I'll have some more, but goddamn, if that shit doesn't inspire you to watch what you eat like a hawk for the rest of the week. Which I've been doing.
As for how much weight I've lost...not a whole lot as of yet.
And yet another fun little wrinkle...it was established today that I'm apparently retaining a lot of water and it appears as though I've got early stages of Edema. But I'll write more about that next week, I've gone on long enough for now.
September 02, 2006
Lesbian Demon
Filing this under "I" for "I really hope these allegations aren't true."
Pastor accused of rape under guise of casting out lesbian demon.
A Fort Worth pastor has been indicted for allegedly raping a church member at his house last year under the guise of casting out demons.
Leonard Ray Owens is free on $25,000 bail and is now awaiting trial on a charge of second-degree felony sexual assault. If convicted, he could be sentenced to two to 20 years in prison.
The 63-year-old pastor of the Prayer House of Faith was arrested in November.
Police began investigating him last year after a 22-year-old woman reported that Owens raped her twice at his Fort Worth home. The woman told police that she went to Owens' home for counseling after a miscarriage in July.
Police say Owens told the woman that a sex spirit and lesbian demon were inside her and needed to be cast out. He then asked her to lie on the floor and began yelling at her as though she were a demon, then held her down and raped her.
Owens denies having sex contact with the woman.
Limousines
I just had a thought while driving home on the freeway this morning.
When I was a little kid, if you saw a limousine driving on the road, you'd think to yourself, "Huh, I wonder who that is?"
Nowadays when I see a limousine on the road, I think to myself, "Goddamn rednecks..."
That kinda makes me sad.
When I was a little kid, if you saw a limousine driving on the road, you'd think to yourself, "Huh, I wonder who that is?"
Nowadays when I see a limousine on the road, I think to myself, "Goddamn rednecks..."
That kinda makes me sad.
The Tard Chronicles
Okay, no idea where I heard this, but it's hysterical.
Last night, Friday night, somewhere in the Inland Empire, an officer working a police sobriety checkpoint makes contact with the driver of one of the vehicles going through the checkpoint, and has the following interaction with him:
OFFICER: Have you had any alcoholic beverages to drink tonight?
TARD: I had wine to drink...I had beer to drink...I had mixed drinks...What were we talking about again?
OFFICER: Yep.
He got arrested.
Last night, Friday night, somewhere in the Inland Empire, an officer working a police sobriety checkpoint makes contact with the driver of one of the vehicles going through the checkpoint, and has the following interaction with him:
OFFICER: Have you had any alcoholic beverages to drink tonight?
TARD: I had wine to drink...I had beer to drink...I had mixed drinks...What were we talking about again?
OFFICER: Yep.
He got arrested.
