Last Sunday, in a fit of Romanesque extravagance, my wife and I actually went out to dinner.  After, I took her to a place called Handel’s for ice cream.  I’d never been before so I was reading over the various flavors to see if there was anything that stood out and one of the flavors listed was Spouse Like A House.  I mulled over that for about a second before realizing/assuming it was just their version of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby.  I think Chubby Hubby is a horrible name for any food product because it may as well just be called This Makes You Fat.  But I also hate Chubby Hubby because of the cute factor.  The name, that is, I don’t hate the ice cream because I’ve never eaten it.  I’ve never eaten it because it’s called Chubby Hubby.

When I was younger, I made other finicky eaters look downright adventurous but these days I have very few rules for eating that have lasted through to the present.  One of them is never eat anything with a cute name.  It is because of this rule that I’ve never eaten the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity pancakes from IHOP.  Pride, arrogance, self respect…call it what you will, I am simply not capable of ordering them.

So anyway, Chubby Hubby can go fuck itself because it’s called Chubby Hubby.  But Jesus, Spouse Like A House?  It’s kind of cute I guess but there just seems to be a mean spiritedness (fuck you, it’s a word) there that’s only a few steps away from naming your ice cream Fat Piece Of Shit.

I’ve seen a shit-ton (by my standards) of movies lately.  I saw THE INVENTION OF LYING and it was a fun movie and I enjoyed it but it seriously has the worst premise for any movie I think I’ve ever seen (with the possible exception of DON’T TELL HER IT’S ME).  The premise is that it’s modern day and everything is more or less exactly as it is in real life but for the fact that mankind has never evolved the ability to tell a lie.  Which makes as much sense as “It’s modern day and everything is more or less the same as it is in real life but for the fact that bananas control the world’s oceans and purple wants the right to vote.”

I also saw THE DEER HUNTER for the first time.  I was 100% on board until the last two minutes when everyone started to sing God Bless America.  I was like, “Oh shit, why are they singing God Bless America after all the horrible shit they’ve suffered as a direct consequence of America’s presence in Vietnam.  It’s like, the exact opposite of what they should be singing, OH MY GOD, THIS IS BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND.”  An old friend of mine used to call this the anvil-on-the-foot school of symbolism.  It seriously ruined the movie for me, which is fucked because up to that point, it’s a great movie.

Oh and I watched a movie from last year called TERMINATOR: SALVATION.  This movie was better than I expected but I was expecting it to be only slightly better than being gang-raped in a Denny’s bathroom, based on all the bitching and crying on the fucking internet last year.  Attention nerds:  You need to turn the drama down a bit.  TERMINATOR: SALVATION just wasn’t that bad.  Also?  TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY just wasn’t that good.  In fact, as a franchise, the Terminator movies really aren’t worth caring about, they’re just action flicks that range from mediocre to slightly-better-than-mediocre, and they always end in a factory with goddamn sparks flying everywhere.  Go get some fucking sun or something.

Easily, however, the best movie I’ve seen in a long time is SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD.  If you don’t have fun watching this movie I feel sorry for you.  I don’t even want to try describing it, just watch it as soon as you can.

If you aren’t familiar with TRUE BLOOD, this won’t mean anything to you but wow, the show really jumped the shark this season.  I stopped watching after the second episode of the season but I caught the last three or four over the weekend and I didn’t feel like I’d missed anything worth seeing.  I think the only two characters I don’t hate are Eric and Pam and that’s because they’re the only two characters who are comfortable with who they are and who also don’t bring any 90210 bullshit to the table.  Their conflict is entirely the result of external forces and they pretty much act like adults.  Sam’s a tool, Bill’s a tool, Jason’s aggressively stupid, and Sookie’s a fucking idiot.  I live in the real world where vampires don’t exist and I still wouldn’t run on foot to the middle of a Louisiana graveyard in the middle of the fucking night to cry at my grandmother’s grave because then I’d be in a Louisiana graveyard in the middle of the night, which would be FUCKING TERRIFYING.  She lives in a world with vampires and werewolves and she’s damn near died at the hands of both.  Has no one on the show ever heard of the buddy system?  What the fuck?

Bank Of America can still eat a dick.


Tim Hatch lives in a secret volcano headquarters somewhere in the South Pacific, where he controls the world economy and writes confessional poetry about his disappointing childhood.

His poetry has been published in MungBeing, East Jasmine Review, The Pacific Review, The Vehicle, Touch: The Journal Of Healing, Apeiron Review, and he is the recipient of the 2014 Felix Valdez Award.

He finds writing about himself in the third person to be an overtly seductive invitation to tell lies.

He once captured a French Eagle at Talavera.

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