I (Sorta) Had A Religious Experience This Morning

I’m a big fan of asses and I’m an even bigger fan of asses in tight jeans.  And it appears as though I’m not alone in that regard (fucking internet…).  But(t) anyway, I turned on the television, as I do every morning at 6am (It’s the only way I’ll actually get up and go to work.  The alternative is hitting the snooze button until noon.), and right there on the screen in front of me was a commercial showing before and after images of asses in tight jeans.  I was still groggy and couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on, but it didn’t matter…it was already 50% the greatest commercial I’d ever seen (the before shots were not cool).

Then I got up and took a piss (can’t spell Tim without TMI).  When I got back to the bed, I was fully awake and was now able to figure out that the commercial was for something called Curve Control Jeans by Kymaro.  I have to be honest, I was kind of disappointed.  I was really hoping it was a commercial for breakfast cereal or something and that they were just trying to get me to buy it by showing me pictures of asses.  That would be a bold new direction in the world of televised marketing.  Anyway, the point is that there are now jeans out there that will make every woman’s ass look better and I’m honestly of two completely different opinions about the whole thing.

On the one hand, I think this is best news I’ve ever heard because, you know, ass in tight jeans.  On the other hand, I think this is just fucking ridiculous because the jeans are essentially a fucking denim girdle with legs.  One of the claims this commercial makes is that by putting on the jeans you will instantly lose four inches off your waist and hips which, of course, is just clever marketing speak for “sucks your fat in”. So…fuck losing weight the hard way, we gave up on that a few years back.  But now, I guess the idea of losing weight at all (you know, by taking dangerous pills that fuck with your body chemistry) can go fuck itself…just put on these girdle pants and voila, it’s a new, thinner you!

And speaking of fat, it’s amazing the fucking euphemisms we come up with in this country.  This morning alone I heard muffin top, butt cleavage (or something to that effect…cleavage was used), and pancake butt, muffin top being my favorite.  “Muffin Top” is polite for “big roll of gut fat that sticks out the top of your jeans”.  How bout this:  If you’re not in the mood to lose weight?  Buy some fucking clothes that fit you.

Okay, I’m just rambling at this point.  To get back on topic:  more asses in tight jeans on my morning television please!

About

Tim Hatch lives in a secret volcano headquarters somewhere in the South Pacific, where he controls the world economy and writes confessional poetry about his disappointing childhood.

His poetry has been published in MungBeing, East Jasmine Review, The Pacific Review, The Vehicle, Touch: The Journal Of Healing, Apeiron Review, and he is the recipient of the 2014 Felix Valdez Award.

He finds writing about himself in the third person to be an overtly seductive invitation to tell lies.

He once captured a French Eagle at Talavera.

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