So I’m going through the process of reviewing the me-generated content on my site prior to 2007 and deciding what I want to keep and what needs to go. When I’m done, everything I don’t like will be deleted. Prior to 2007, I was using Blogger instead of WordPress. I still have all of that old stuff statically archived, but I’m gonna delete those and anything that wasn’t crap will get re-posted here. I imagine most of it will just be deleted.
It’s kind of fascinating, in a narcissistic way, to have a record of eleven years of your writing sitting around. It’s also kind of sad to see how fucking angry I used to be. Thank god for change.
This is one of the angry, political posts that seem to have been the main focus of this site for a long time. It’s pretty angry, and I have quite the potty mouth, but I gotta say, I stand by a lot of it, in a joking around sort of way. The scary part is, I don’t think I was joking when I wrote it. Anyway, here it is:
I want to seize power. I want to feed all of Congress to animals and I want to turn The White House into The Museum of Our Terribly Embarrassing Past, to remind everyone why I bothered seizing power in the first place. I want to move the nation’s capital to Los Angeles (because we really do have the best weather in the country) and I want to build The Tyrell Building from BLADERUNNER, only bigger and I’ll call it Capitol X and it’ll give spontaneous, uncontrollable erections to architects, engineers, and all persons of good taste. Capitol X will be entirely staffed by insanely hot android chicks, all of whom will dress like Julie Newmar and Diana Rigg. And when all that is finally done, I’m going to get down to the business of making this country somewhere I want to live again.
Criminals convicted of vandalism will now be instantly executed and their families will be required to repair the damage caused by the deceased. Harsh, yes, but I expect a 100% decrease in vandalism within the first six months of my rule.
Rapists, murderers, and child molesters will also be instantly executed with no appeal.
Executions will be greatly simplified. The convict will now be shot once in the back of the head. This will happen in a concrete room with a drain in the middle of the floor. This will not happen if the person in question was convicted of a white collar crime.
Once a year, on September 1st, criminals convicted of white collar crimes will be given Swiss Army Knives and a pair of running shoes and will be dropped off, naked, on The Alaskan Peninsula where they will be forced to fight bears. This will be filmed and turned into a reality show.
There will be a pre-trial hearing to all law suits. If it is determined that the law suit in question is frivolous, both the plaintiff and the attorney will be visiting bears in the fall.
Attorneys will never be disbarred. They will visit bears.
Corrupt cops, judges, and officials both elected and appointed will not be fired and prosecuted. They will visit bears.
The FCC will be dissolved. Networks will be allowed to broadcast images of nipples. The 24 Hour Nipple Network will be created.
24 hour news networks will be given the option of covering global news (actual news stories in every country) or going off the air.
Every governmental agency will undergo a name change from their current titles to “The Ministry of…” because that sounds cooler. The Ministry of Manners will be created. The Ministry of Manners will be more brutal than the Spanish Inquisition and will rapidly become the most feared branch of government.
People will no longer be allowed to carry or own guns. Not because they represent a threat to my rule but because you fucking idiots can’t seem to keep from shooting each other. And fuck hunting. If you really need to kill an animal then either take up fishing or get used to arrows. You idiots won’t be able to do much more than maim each other with fishhooks and arrows, and people who have been maimed can still pay their goddamn taxes.
There will be no such thing as an illegal substance. Citizens will be free to fuck their lives up as much as they want to. Their habits will be taxed like fuck and loadie jerk offs who commit crime as a result of not being able to handle their drugs will automatically have their sentences doubled. The same will go for alcoholic jerk offs who can’t handle their booze.
America will no longer spread or defend Democracy throughout the world. That will be mostly due to the fact that Democracy in America will be dead, but also because foreigners can fuck off and live their lives however they wish.
When America is faced with a real enemy, we will react with enough bombs to make what happened to Dresden look like a marshmallow roast. There will be no such thing as the occupation of enemy territory. A bit harsh, yes, but I’m banking on most people thinking twice about attacking us if they believe their families will be melted.
A giant, continuous wall will be constructed along our new southern border. It will be made of unbreakable Plexiglas. It will stand one mile tall and extend one mile underground. It will be built just north of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida. Georgia will be spared because Savannah is pretty. The Great 48 will become The Nifty 43.
I will commission a black velvet painting of Elvis, John Wayne, Johnny Cash, Jesus, and myself playing poker with dogs. It will be 200 feet wide and 150 feet tall and will hang in the lobby of Capitol X.
This should be enough to keep me busy for the first year of my reign.
I can’t wait to see that painting.