Porn

Yes, porn, and porn being a visual medium, I’m using lots of visuals, so if you’re reading this at work, and you like your job…

I fucking hate porn. Actually, let me broaden that a bit. I fucking hate the adult entertainment industry. Not because I’m uptight or repressed or in any way puritanical, but because it’s ugly and it’s stupid. It’s stupid primarily because everyone in the business is stupid. Yes, there are some college graduates in the business, but mostly it’s just filled with fucking morons. People who are stupid in a way that actually makes your head hurt. Stupid like the jurors from OJ’s murder trial. And the maturity level, as you might expect, lingers somewhere around that of a high school senior’s. The only evidence I’m going to present to back this up is this:

Yes, it’s the fucking Ass Tray. Get it? Hahahahahaha. This is really, really clever in the adult novelty industry. That’s about all the time I’ll spend on the stupid. I could seriously write a story a day for the rest of my life that would highlight the stupidity and immaturity in the adult industry so I’ll stop myself now.

As for the ugly…well, just take a look. Look past the tits and the cum shots and all the rest of it and actually examine, for just a moment, what you’re looking at and you’ll very likely wonder what all the fuss is about. Some comedian, who’s name I probably never even bothered to learn, once said something along the lines of, “Have you ever noticed how most of the girls in porn are girls you wouldn’t mind fucking?” And at the time he said it, I thought, “Wow, that’s totally true!” Nowadays, however, I totally disagree. These days most of the girls in porn are girls I don’t even think I could get it up for. Looking at once-pretty girls who have deformed themselves with monstrous breast implants, ugly-ass tattoos, and an even dozen labia piercings isn’t arousing, it’s just depressing.

The breast implants alone…if there were ever a doubt that the vast majority of the women in porn have self-esteem issues, the plethora of hideous, fake boobs ought to crush that doubt like a cheap beer can. Take a look at Teagan Presley:

On the left is a picture of Teagan from when she was new to the business and on the right is a more recent picture. The girl on the left is an attractive young woman with very small breasts. Nothing wrong with that, we’re supposed to look different. Not everyone needs to have huge-ass titties. And no one needs to have bulbous, deformed boobs that look like giant, flesh-colored Cookie Monster eyes.

Another area where porn just loses me is the extreme close up. Attention porn: I don’t ever want to see someone’s cervix. Ever. This happens all the time (well, maybe not the cervix part…). There will be a series of photographs featuring some girl, attractive or otherwise, in various positions and stages of undress. And then there will be an extreme close up of that girl’s vagina and asshole. Not sexy. A picture of a disembodied vagina doesn’t look like something I want to fuck, it looks like a monster that eats small animals and children. Here’s a picture of the lovely and talented Eve Angel (very likely the single hottest girl in porn):

Eve’s great: She’s got a killer ass, real tits, an insanely pretty face, and she has yet to shove a rod through her clitoral hood. The pose she’s striking in the picture above is alluring and sexy (Okay, the spreading the ass cheeks apart is a little crass, but I’m talking about porn, not cheesecake.) and it fills my head with dirty thoughts.

Next picture:

I’m sorry, but if you’re going for sexy, there needs to be a woman attached.

Slightly related tangent:  I think it would have to be ten times weirder to pose for still photographs than it would be to fuck some stranger while being filmed. Fucking in front of a camera would be weird too, what with all the “Cut! Someone get some more makeup on her left ass cheek!” stuff going on.

But…well, once again, take a look at yet another picture of Eve Angel:

I’m partially censoring this image because this isn’t, after all, a porn site. Now imagine being in that position, having that thing sticking out of you, and hearing someone bark orders at you (“Okay, legs a little further apart…knees higher…close your eyes. Jesus can you at least try to look like you’re enjoying this?! Alright, mouth open a little…no more…pretend you’re about to cum. That’s it-I said knees higher! Are we getting glare off the dildo?”). Weird, yeah?

Anyway, getting back to the ugly side of things, let’s talk blow-up dolls. Aria Giovanni is a beautiful woman (Google her) and she has a “lifelike” blow-up doll. This is what the box looks like:

That’s an attractive woman on the cover of that box, let’s take a look at the product inside it:

Ugly. If you stick your dick in this plastic nightmare, you shouldn’t be allowed to have one.

And lest someone get the wrong impression and think I’m some ultra conservative, right-wing fundamentalist, let me point out that in order to write this shit, I had to know who Aria Giovanni and Eve Angel were in the first place and believe me, I didn’t hear about them from watching Jerry Springer. Or Gianna Michaels or Naomi Russell or Caroline Pierce or Flower Tucci or Bree Olsen or Belladonna or Sasha Grey or Felicity Fey (and on and on and on). See, the thing is, I love beautiful women. I love naked beautiful women even more, and I especially love naked beautiful women doing dirty things, and I’m not ashamed to say so. But for every beautiful woman in porn, there are a dozen once-pretty cock-zombies running around showing off their franken-titties to whoever pays for the “privilege”. And that’s why I fucking hate the adult entertainment industry.

And that’s just the cartoony, humorous side of things.  I haven’t even gotten to the dark stuff yet, such as the rampant misogyny and racism, or the just plain sick and wrong. For further reading on the ugly, check out this article, written by Warren Ellis.

Yes, I realize I’ve given this subject too much thought.  I give everything too much thought, it’s what I do.  I could go on forever but, in a nutshell, those are my thoughts on porn.

About

Tim Hatch lives in a secret volcano headquarters somewhere in the South Pacific, where he controls the world economy and writes confessional poetry about his disappointing childhood.

His poetry has been published in MungBeing, East Jasmine Review, The Pacific Review, The Vehicle, Touch: The Journal Of Healing, Apeiron Review, and he is the recipient of the 2014 Felix Valdez Award.

He finds writing about himself in the third person to be an overtly seductive invitation to tell lies.

He once captured a French Eagle at Talavera.

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