The Not-Very-Timely Movie Review – Eagle Eye

What a crock of shit.  Yet another movie featuring supercomputer-turned-god as the bad guy, straight out of The Forbin Project.  If you don’t know what The Forbin Project is, you’re either under 40 or you were popular in high school.  Congratulations are in order either way.

The movie feels like it was written and shot by a bunch of rotting old fossils, who think that computers are still the size of living rooms.  Check this out, this is the bad guy:

There are two things to note here:  First off, yes, that’s a fucking eyeball attached to a robotic arm.  Because computers need that sort of thing in order to interpret data.  But mostly we need something sinister looking for Rosario Dawson (who spends not one second of this movie naked) to stab to death with a crowbar that maintenance apparently left sitting on the floor in case the scary eye got out of line.  Honest to God, she stabs the computer in the eye and kills it.

And second, that’s a giant room with a fuckton of golden globes in it.  Infer what you will.  I suppose all that looks cool to your average theater-going fuckwit, but I look at it and see something as preposterous and stupid as the computer banks from every science fiction movie and TV show back in the 60’s.

Speaking of computer banks?  The computer in this movie has computer banks the size of gym lockers just like in every science fiction movie and TV show back in the 60’s.  And Rosario Dawson (who, again, never gets naked, not even once) and some attractive Air Force dude both have to open the full size doors and rip out all the memory banks, as they drain the room of the liquid nitrogen that serves as the cooling system.

Boffo.

Also?  A bunch of people die and there’s a shitload of explosions and Shia LaBeouf runs around looking really scared the whole time.  Actually, in all fairness, Shia does have one totally excellent moment at the end of the film when he saves the day, but I’m not going to bother describing it because, really, who cares?

Not related to the movie at all:  Am I the only one who thinks it would be funny if there was a hot new actress named Sunni and she and Shia fucking hated each other?  I’d put them in every romantic comedy for the next thirty years.

Go to SecurityCritics.org if you’d like to read a review of this movie written by someone much, much smarter than I am.  They also reference The Forbin Project in the second paragraph of their post, which made me smile.

If Rosario Dawson had been naked when she stabbed the computer in the eye, I’d never have written any of this.  Because boner points are that powerful.

About

Tim Hatch lives in a secret volcano headquarters somewhere in the South Pacific, where he controls the world economy and writes confessional poetry about his disappointing childhood.

His poetry has been published in MungBeing, East Jasmine Review, The Pacific Review, The Vehicle, Touch: The Journal Of Healing, Apeiron Review, and he is the recipient of the 2014 Felix Valdez Award.

He finds writing about himself in the third person to be an overtly seductive invitation to tell lies.

He once captured a French Eagle at Talavera.

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