The Ghost Of Dog-Shit Past

I fucking hate viral list articles.  They’re the easiest way for unimaginative fucktards to create content for their sites that generate zero original content (unless you count the polarizing, political blather in the comment threads…I don’t).  The image to the right is a good example of what I’m talking about.  Anyway, I hate them, they’re horrible.  The one example to this rule would be John Cheese from Cracked, who’s actually quite funny.

But this isn’t a rant about how these things suck.  I don’t have the energy to get angry over shit this petty anymore, and it’s already been done by Maddox, who did a better job of it than I ever could.

What I am going to talk about is how fucking angry I am with sparknotes.com.  For my fellow oldsters, Spark Notes is the online version of Cliff’s Notes.  It’s a free site, so they must make their money from whatever advertising they can get and, as a result, apparently need to generate some sort of content on a regular basis.  So they have a dog shit blog thing that’s mostly made up of?  That’s right.

Anyway, I was writing a paper the other night and was on their site, reading a character analysis for Christophine, from the novel WIDE SARGASSO SEA, and off to the right of the page was, “The 10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs,” which I clicked on like a fucking asshole.  This is when I was introduced to the song LAST CHRISTMAS by Wham.  Holy fuckballs, I hate myself so much for that.

I’m 43.  I was there in the 80’s when MTV started.  I watched it for hours.  I may have spent as much time watching MTV as I did breathing.  So how is it I only just now heard this song for the first time?  And, believe me, I’m not asking that because I feel as though I’ve missed out.  I’m just baffled how I could have been subjected to all the various horrors of 80’s pop culture and not have heard this before.  Unless it was so bad, I blocked the memory.  Like the time my dad

Anyway, fuck this song.  And fuck sparknotes.com for listing it in their shitty article, and fuck me for being stupid enough to click the link.  Watching this video is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.  Check it out for yourself:


Wham – Last Christmas by hushhush112

Okay, something else I feel like I should mention:  I’m not sure what this says about my sexuality, but George Michael’s hair is gorgeous in that video.  I definitely don’t want to sleep with him, because men + penises + assholes = bucket of vomit.  But I’d fuck the shit out of that hair.

About

Tim Hatch lives in a secret volcano headquarters somewhere in the South Pacific, where he controls the world economy and writes confessional poetry about his disappointing childhood.

His poetry has been published in MungBeing, East Jasmine Review, The Pacific Review, The Vehicle, Touch: The Journal Of Healing, Apeiron Review, and he is the recipient of the 2014 Felix Valdez Award.

He finds writing about himself in the third person to be an overtly seductive invitation to tell lies.

He once captured a French Eagle at Talavera.

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